NPD Traits [Archive] - Mother-In-Law Stories Forums

ModCatseye

Apr 15, 2007, 10:09 PM

Hi all,

We have received a couple of posts regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or "NPD" as we refer to it). This clip is taken from the most recent post that I've seen--so resources and references are most appreciated!

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Here are the traits of a N, for those who don't know:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

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Wikipedia refers to it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis (as with many DSM diagnoses, they must form a pervasive pattern; for example, a person who shows these criteria only in one or two relationships or situations would not properly be diagnosed with NPD):

has a grandiose sense of self-importance
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
requires excessive admiration
strong sense of entitlement
takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
lacks empathy
is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
arrogant affect.
(see also full list in DSM-IV-TR, p. 717)

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Common abbreviations used:
NPD -- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
N -- Adj. describing one as a narcissist (e.g. "a N MIL") or Noun as in calling one a narcissist (e.g. "My MIL, the N")
BPD -- Borderline Personality Disorder. Often seen in NPD posts and information. Here is a wiki reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

(If I need to add to this information let me know by PM.)

motherinlawstories

Aug 2, 2008, 04:08 PM

In an effort to clean up the web site, I am going to remove the NPD posting in the MIL Stories Forum entirely, and post the remaining contents here. This is the rest of the thread:

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47822, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by justlilolme, Mon Jun-11-07 07:35 AM

My MIL refers to her children as "my Andrew", "My stephanie" and "My Sylvia." Is this an indicator that she has narcissistic personality?

Also, when my FIL died, she never once (over the course of a long and lengthy illness) ever acknolwedged that "My Andrew" et al. were also losing their father. INstead, everything was about her and her loss.

Are these traits indicative of narcissitic personality?

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47972, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by LadyBelle, Tue Jun-12-07 02:31 AM

I think that alone isn't enough to tell anything. When someone looses a spouse or other person close to them they could handle the grief in many different ways. There is no one right way to grieve. With the "My Andrew" that could just be a pet name for each child. If it bothers you tell her to stop. NPD is something that is through out their entire lives and behavior patterns. They need to fit in multiple of the trait categories listed above and not only have a complete disregard for other people's feelings, but actually be unaware that other people can and do have feelings.

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48000, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by guest, Tue Jun-12-07 08:44 AM

Yeah, and anyway, it's not like knowing what she has is going to help. It's not like she would ever get treatment or anything.

I actually wondered about the NDP, because she always tells everyone that "I do everything the very right way" and English isn't her first langauge, so I thought maybe it was a translation thing and she just meant "properly" but my husband says that no, she actually thinks she's the only one int he universe who knows how to make a sandwich, or fold a towel and so forth -- and that anyone who doesn't do it her way is WRONG!

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54450, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by Wifee1969, Thu Jul-26-07 01:38 PM

Lets see:

- STBX sold his house, allowed me to have a wedding (i paid for it) and bought me a wedding ring (its worthless - junk diamond). He says I didnt appreciate his sacrafices...every day he said this to me...
- While I was pregnant (in/out of hospital on bedrest, meds) he would say, 'you act like your the only one in pain here'...
- Tried to alienate ODD saying I spent too much time with her...(I was on bedrest) he didn't want her in the bedroom because he said it was his space.
- Would say...'most people just dont understand me...only my Mom does' (the apple doesnt fall far from the tree)
- was chasing women online then got angry at me for changing his dating profile...
- called me vindictive, changed his phone number and cut off contact (mind you we had a newborn) because I called his girlfriends house.
- Walked out on me while I was having contractions (once they were false labor, once I was in actual labor) Said he had to go to work.
- Told me I just needed to roll over on issues because he had made so many sacrafices (house, ring, move) even if it meant I had to hurt ODD or YDD.
- Walked out on me when I was 9 months preg. Because he said I didnt treat him like a man...He started having phone sex with his grilfriend at this time.
- Thought it was more important to call his girlfriend the night our daughter was born rather than my family.
- walked out on me again two weeks after the baby was born...because I told him to wait to discuss our issues until I was past the 6 week mark and the baby was more adjusted...his response' when ever I want something its always about someone else.' I had stiches and was told to get back in the bed because my legs swelled up..didnt stop him from leaving.
- he never calls about YDD not even when she was sick. He didnt want to come home, so he said he would take her (sick at 2 weeks old) with him to his mothers...with no crib or other items. Then he got mad at me and said I was selfish and controlling.
- says he has annimosity toward oldest DH. But really loves her...she is a great kid...

Oh this is just the beginning...it goes on and on...
would you agree he is a N?
Wifee1969

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66064, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by guest, Sat Oct-27-07 12:23 AM

I would say that you are very very lucky he left...Count your blessings.
Let me add that I am sorry for your pain...

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70034, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by mm.judd, Fri Nov-23-07 12:42 PM

yes, i m sorry you will be feeling bad, its hard to be a single mom, its hard to know your child will be hurt, and there will be nothing you can do about it except let her know as she grows that its not her. try to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an oncoming train! just like you have to move old clothes out of your closet to make room for the new, you have to move old, unpleasant people out of your life to make room for the new.

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88888, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by shiksagoddess, Fri Apr-04-08 11:36 PM

I think I remember your story ... it broke my heart.

I hope you are doing better now.

Shiksagoddess
ILA #50
Keeper of the Mona Lisa smile
Proud mom to an MP in Iraq

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90294, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by Wifee1969, Sat Apr-19-08 10:42 AM

Thanks,

I posted an update in Husband stories. After a year the roller coaster ride continues....

Wifee1969

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50585, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by IssysMrs, Sat Jun-30-07 12:33 PM

UGH! Sounds just like my MIL's husband...and he is a "minister." I use the term loosely because he never really studied at a seminary or actually knows anything about the bible...he just likes to hear himself talk. He was ordained by some group on line I think! But the man fits every one of those traits to a "T." Such a great example for a Godly person.

What amazes me is that MIL, who seems to be an intelligent woman, is so completely enamored of this idiot. He can't go 2 minutes without turning all talk to him and what he is doing or what he thinks. And of course he is always right!!!!

And there are people who actually go and listen to this guy on Sunday mornings!!!!!

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53991, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by texasmommy, Mon Jul-23-07 04:17 PM

OMG--that is my MIL almost every line is her. And the really scary thing--she is a social worker who counsels people.
All the time my Dh was growing up, she would whine about how no one ever gave people the message SHE called. My Dh spent the first half of his life feeling like there was a world conspiracy against giving people messges MIL called until of course we got married and gave him every message and she would begin every call to him with 'I called. Did you get my message?' --now he's figured out people got her message; they just didn't want to speak to her.

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54448, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by Wifee1969, Thu Jul-26-07 01:30 PM

Ok so STBX has all of these...now what!

Wifee1969

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65247, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by guest, Mon Oct-22-07 09:34 AM

Yeah, my MIL has more than 5 of these traits. I guess it explains some of her behavior but someone like this is so screwed up in the head, there's really nothing you can do about it. You just have to avoid them as much as possible and not take things personally. I say to myself over and over, "It's not me, it's HER." And if DH had married someone else she would be doing the same things to her. But it still hurts. I'm trying to grow thick skin.

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66065, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by guest, Sat Oct-27-07 12:26 AM

Run as fast as you can....

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68028, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by falconeddie, Sat Nov-10-07 09:58 PM

I recently bought a book online about coping w/ narcisstic parents, and it totally applies to the MIL. She wants everything to look perfect on the outside, while the inside is a mess. For example, she'll keep up a very clean house, but she never spent time w/ her kids (when they were young), she wants people on the outside to think she has a close family, but her husband has been open about his cheating on her and her sons don't want to spend any time w/ her.
Moreover, she feels entittled to be a ####, and if I get offended by her rudeness she gets mad at me.
I so could go on & on on this topic.

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69170, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by Lahdee, Sat Nov-17-07 11:58 AM

I know all the traits, and I was raised by a step mom with NPD. I am 100% sure my sister-in-law has it. My late MIL-no. She was a tad on the selfish/controlling side but definately not NPD. I can tell sometimes when a person I am familiar with seems NPD. There is a gaze... All eyes are on them, kind-of. I've lived with a person with NPD long enough to tell. These are the only types of people I honestly AVOID like the plague. I even have a blog somewhere about NPD. I have to vent sometimes. lol

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92540, RE: NPD Traits
Posted by friendly1, Fri May-09-08 10:14 AM

I think if everyone looks really close, my mother's picture is in the dictionary by this disorder!lol Also, I'm new and this is really fascinating because I have lived this person also my whole life!!! Hi to all and have a great day!

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