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View Full Version : Relationship Red Flags, Especially at the Beginning - RE: STBXH is lieing again...



Lizbeth
Apr 30, 2007, 01:55 PM
LOL, I still have all the e-mail messages that went back and forth between my S and I. In the "screaming phone call" the one time I got to speak to my new BIL, I let him know that I had these messages still. I'm sure that made their "after call" conversation very tricky since he's so insecure.

Anyway, here's the "red flag" e-mail I sent to my sister when I started to become alarmed at what I was hearing and reading. Please note SHE ASKED OUR OPINION (ME AND DH) ABOUT HIM AND WHAT WE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD DO. I'm sorry I told her the truth.



>Some warning signs from my readings (right from the many lists):
>
> Insist on knowing your darkest secrets right away
>
> Spilling his guts to you right away
>
> Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex's were evil! And I'm
> so scared to get hurt again.")
>
> Says no one has ever "understood" him as well as you
>
>
> Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first
> he has been interested in.
>
> Seems too eager to please
>
> His family is a total circus (i.e. Mom has been divorced four times. Dad abandoned him. Mom controls him. Dad is an alcoholic. Dad used to hit mom.)
>
> Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members
>
> He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him.
>
> He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
>
> He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
>
> He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
>
> He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings)> ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.
>
> He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE.

> He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
>
> Has a history of bad relationships.
>
> Grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
>
>

Later on in their relationship when we were still corresponding (because you could never get her on the phone any more) and things were popping up all the time that showed my reservations were right, her constant litany was: RED FLAGS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING. That's how you reject reality, I suppose.

SonStealer
Apr 30, 2007, 05:32 PM
Wow. Lizbeth, your list has just struck a nerve with me regarding one of my friends. (I didn't wanna high jack so I started a thread in another forum.)

But, thank you for that list!

good dil
May 1, 2007, 11:54 AM
He brainwashed her. He cut off her support system. Thats what they do. They are so insecure, they have to make sure she has NO WAY to escape.

Lizbeth
May 1, 2007, 12:14 PM
All of that is very true. However, she went into it with her eyes wide open, with the knowledge that she needed to avoid the situation she is in now. She has lived in the land of "willing denial" from the very first time that she said "red flags don't mean anything" and started lying to cover up for him and her own horrid behavior towards her family members once she started dating him. She's even lied to him, which he now knows and I'm sure that makes him even more jealous and controlling.

She's mad at me because I know the truth, I called her on her lies and her horrible behavior and I won't play along with her desire make believe he's Mr. Wonderful (especially after that screaming phone call when we confronted them on the nutty letter they sent us). It really angers people in denial when others won't go along with their fantasy.

The worst thing for her is that I'm close to her children and grandchildren and she's no longer more than a very tiny part of their lives because of the way she's treated everyone since meeting Mr. Wonderful. She's miserable because she's allowed him to isolate her but she won't ever do anything about it, except have a breakdown eventually (my prediction).

S seems to have taken on his personality now, which is she sort of did when she was married to my BIL and he was in his bad boy phase. She does everything she can to bind herself to the man she's with but would never admit that to anyone, including herself. Really sick, co-dependent behavior.

good dil
May 1, 2007, 05:09 PM
Yup, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Its a sad place to live. I know my STBX is in denial over his behavior and why I left. I even TOLD him, spelled it out in an email, etc. I guess there is no getting through to some people. Sad. He's doomed to repeat another bad relationship.

Lizbeth
May 1, 2007, 05:16 PM
Yes, exactly, and its sort of why my sister is suffering now too. She's like a lot of women who don't understand that you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear when it comes to men. If you meet a screwed up man (and her H had it written in neon letters), your "love" isn't going to make him normal; its just going to ruin that portion of your life you devote to trying to fix him.