Lizbeth
Apr 30, 2007, 01:55 PM
LOL, I still have all the e-mail messages that went back and forth between my S and I. In the "screaming phone call" the one time I got to speak to my new BIL, I let him know that I had these messages still. I'm sure that made their "after call" conversation very tricky since he's so insecure.
Anyway, here's the "red flag" e-mail I sent to my sister when I started to become alarmed at what I was hearing and reading. Please note SHE ASKED OUR OPINION (ME AND DH) ABOUT HIM AND WHAT WE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD DO. I'm sorry I told her the truth.
>Some warning signs from my readings (right from the many lists):
>
> Insist on knowing your darkest secrets right away
>
> Spilling his guts to you right away
>
> Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex's were evil! And I'm
> so scared to get hurt again.")
>
> Says no one has ever "understood" him as well as you
>
>
> Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first
> he has been interested in.
>
> Seems too eager to please
>
> His family is a total circus (i.e. Mom has been divorced four times. Dad abandoned him. Mom controls him. Dad is an alcoholic. Dad used to hit mom.)
>
> Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members
>
> He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him.
>
> He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
>
> He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
>
> He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
>
> He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings)> ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.
>
> He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE.
> He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
>
> Has a history of bad relationships.
>
> Grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
>
>
Later on in their relationship when we were still corresponding (because you could never get her on the phone any more) and things were popping up all the time that showed my reservations were right, her constant litany was: RED FLAGS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING. That's how you reject reality, I suppose.
Anyway, here's the "red flag" e-mail I sent to my sister when I started to become alarmed at what I was hearing and reading. Please note SHE ASKED OUR OPINION (ME AND DH) ABOUT HIM AND WHAT WE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD DO. I'm sorry I told her the truth.
>Some warning signs from my readings (right from the many lists):
>
> Insist on knowing your darkest secrets right away
>
> Spilling his guts to you right away
>
> Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex's were evil! And I'm
> so scared to get hurt again.")
>
> Says no one has ever "understood" him as well as you
>
>
> Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first
> he has been interested in.
>
> Seems too eager to please
>
> His family is a total circus (i.e. Mom has been divorced four times. Dad abandoned him. Mom controls him. Dad is an alcoholic. Dad used to hit mom.)
>
> Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members
>
> He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him.
>
> He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
>
> He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
>
> He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
>
> He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings)> ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.
>
> He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE.
> He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
>
> Has a history of bad relationships.
>
> Grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
>
>
Later on in their relationship when we were still corresponding (because you could never get her on the phone any more) and things were popping up all the time that showed my reservations were right, her constant litany was: RED FLAGS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING. That's how you reject reality, I suppose.