How to deal with MIL visits - This time WILL be different!

[regular anon]

I'm getting ready for a visit with MIL this week-end. We will be with them for a few days. I have learned so much valuable information from this site, mostly how in the world to respond to her. (I don't want to be discovered so I am not using my log in name, but I have been around off and on for a couple years.) I feel like I will be ready for anything she throws at me this time.

This is the first time I have not felt nervous and sick (literally) about having to see her. I can't wait to use some of the lines I've learned. I can't wait to never once JADE to her (justify, argue, defend, explain)! I can't wait to let the silence hang in the air when she is rude, or repeat her rude comments back to her and then let the silence hang in the air. I can't wait to practice changing the subject, and being in control of the conversation. When she asks me an obscure question that most people wouldn't know the answer to, I plan to ask her the same exact question. I will repeat what she says to DH or ask DH what she thinks about what weird/rude/inappropriate thing she just spouted out.

For unwanted advice I will say "Thanks for sharing, or Hmmmmm, or Interesting." When she is shocked/horrified by something we did that's no big deal I will say "Gee, that one really threw you for a loop, huh MIL?" If she brings up the exes, I will say, "Oh no MIL, that's a no-no. Remember, we don't discuss x/y/z anymore."

When she asks personal questions I will say "That's private." If it's about MORE GRANDKIDS...NOW, I will say, "Wouldn't that be wonderful?" and leave it at that. If it's about someone else I will say, "I guess that one falls under the "none of my business" category, so I don't know.

I may throw in a few "Pardon me?"s along the way too.

You ladies are so smart. Thank you for taking the time to share with others what has worked for you. I have a bag full of tricks I can use.

I made a list of things I can quickly change the subject to, and a list of things I can say in response to her nonsense. I know it sounds silly but I am going in with my weapons this time. Each time it has gotten a little better, but this time I am so happy to be going into it not feeling stressed.

She called the other day and I answered to get it over with. I wasn't stressed. She was so cheery and chipper and I think she actually thought we were going to have a real, normal MIL/DIL conversation- the kind we used to have when I used to put tons of effort into the relationship. Before she knew it I was saying a pleasant and cheerful, "Bye-bye!" and she was probably wondering what had just happened. I guess that's for me to know. ;)

One question- what do you say when they criticize others or complain about their circumstances incessantly? It gets really old and I don't want to participate in these negative bash-fests. Or for stories we've heard a thousand times, especially about their kids growing up. Any ideas? Thanks.

[CherryBloom]

Good luck and let us know how it works out. You almost make it sound like fun.

When they talk about people behind their backs, just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about people behind their backs." You can even shudder delicately and add, "It seems so...so Jr High-ish."

When they complain, you can say, "I'm sure you'll work it out." Say it over and over cheerfully. It deflats the problem and throws it squarely back into their face. If they continue the complaint, repeat yourself and noticeably allow your attention to drift or get up and go away or rudely interrupt and change the subject.

"...<drone, drone, drone> so as I was saying the roof man says we have to replace beams too but it's so expensive--"

"--would you like a glass of water. I'm feeling thirsty." And get up and walk away while before she answers.

For the old stories, just say in a flat voice, "yah, yah, you've told us this, it's a charming story, BIL falls down the stairs and breaks his leg. Are you thirsty, I need a glass of water."

[BananaBread]

What a cool post. Sums up a How to handle a visit with a difficult MIL in one place! Hall of Fame, hall of fame!

>>> One question- what do you say when they criticize others or complain about their circumstances incessantly? It gets really old and I don't want to participate in these negative bash-fests.<<<

Change the subject - to something positive! Or, get up and straighten the kitchen.

>>> Or for stories we've heard a thousand times, especially about their kids growing up. <<<

Ooh. That's tricky. When it comes to happy memeories, I think you might have to feign interest and nod. *sigh* Or... if you really can't take the same old stories, go to the bathroom and knock out a chapter or two of those books you hid under the sink.

[Lizbeth]

or, have you tried the bean dip?

[IDidntMarrytheILs]

I was going to suggest change the subject to something positive. Is there something MIL likes to talk about that makes her happy? Bring that up and then tune her out while she goes on about it.

[regular anon]

Telling old stories about her kids when they were little, that makes her really happy! :)

Just kidding, that's good advice. Thanks!

[regular anon]

Thanks, I will try that!

I ask questions on the board and the answers I get are so common sense. I couldn't come up with them myself for the life of me. Thus the need to practice and be prepared.

I have always wondered how you got so smart, Banana Bread! Have you ever considered going into counseling, or writing? Your posts are always right on target and so entertaining. You have a lot of wit and great advice for everyone. You could really help a lot of people if you wrote a book or a column or something!

[BananaBread]

Oh you're too nice. I'm just a yenta with a lot of opinions.
I would need a helluva editor to cut me down were I ever to write for a living, LOL. Thank you for your kind words, though, you touched me.

xo xo

[regular anon]

Thanks, everyone! I will be sure to let you know how it went when I get back. After every visit I look back and I'm just blown away by her behavior. There is no way I can ever predict the types of things that will go on. I'm sure it will be good for a few laughs for you all! :D

[regular anon]

<<<When they talk about people behind their backs, just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about people behind their backs." You can even shudder delicately and add, "It seems so...so Jr High-ish.">>>

Love that, especially the last part! Great post.

One problem with cutting her off when she's talking- she has been known to interrupt me, all the time, and I hate it. Not that I'm trying to "connect" with her or anything. But she'll ask me a question and I'll get 4 words into the answer and she'll interrupt, often changing the subject entirely. It drives me crazy. I guess I should just keep my answers as short as possible. Or I guess I could call her on it.

MIL: "So where do you buy clothes for your kids in that small town?"

Me: "Well, all we have is Wal-Mart and 2 oth...

MIL, butting in: "Have you ever made honey ham? Because every time I make it it seems dry. I guess I'll make it this year because FIL wants it for every holiday, but it just seems like a lot of trouble.... blah blah blah..."

I suppose I could say, "So anyway, back to your question about clothes..." Or maybe I'll leave the room as soon as she interrupts me and starts talking about something else, then pretend like it never happened. She does stuff like that all the time.

[BananaBread]

>>> One problem with cutting her off when she's talking- she has been known to interrupt me, all the time, and I hate it. Not that I'm trying to "connect" with her or anything. But she'll ask me a question and I'll get 4 words into the answer and she'll interrupt, often changing the subject entirely<<<

When she interrupts, I like the leave the room technique. You didn't realize she was talking to you.

Other interruption techniques -

- you canjust keep talking over her about Walmart while she talks about ham, and just go on and on and on about each aisle and every aisle in Walmart.

- Or completely shut up and not say anything else at all the entire conversation, and when finally prompted for a response say "Oh, You're done speaking? I didn't want to interrupt you."

- Or immediately apologize as soon as she switches to ham "Oh! I didn't mean to interrupt you!"

[beenthere]

>- Or completely shut up and not say anything else at all the
>entire conversation, and when finally prompted for a response
>say "Oh, You're done speaking? I didn't want to interrupt
>you."

Oh, I'd love to use this one, but there never IS a prompt for a response. She never even stops to take a breath. x( x(

[regular anon]

How about thumbing through a magazine or book, staring into space, doing a crossword puzzle? She's not trying to have a conversation WITH you, she's just using you as an audience so she can hear herself talk.

I think it is very rude when people don't let you get a word in edgewise. I don't think they realize just how inconsiderate they are being. I had a friend like this and I honestly felt like I needed a break after 10 or 15 minutes. It was exhausting to be around her. I should have just said, "I think I need a break, I'm going to get something out of the kitchen. Would you like me to bring you anything?" And just go escape for a few minutes. Give them a moment to think that if you need a break, maybe they need to cool it. Don't know if it would work, but at least you'd get a break!

I realized that I probably won't be able to control MIL's behavior or change her, but at least if I can escape her as much as possible I will be much better off.

[sabrina]

If you weren't still married, I'd swear that you are my (ex) SIL.

I have your MIL's evil twin!

Here's my coping techniques:

Wine- get yourself a glass right away-trust me after the 3rd glass, she'll be funny! Of course, everything will be funny, but it gets me thru the night. NOTE: This only works if you are a happy tipsy person. If you are a sad/angry drunk, this is NOT advised!

The first thing I do when I walk in the door is ask MIL how she is- I don't have to say another word for an hour. While she's happily talking about all of her ailments, I'm mentally planning my Christmas list, remodeling my house, planning my garden, etc etc etc. and drinking my wine.

When she starts gossiping and saying negative things about people, the first thing I hit her with is 'My mother always taught me that if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all' Why don't we talk about something positive! Guaranteed CBF each time.

If she keeps it up, that's when I go over to DH and sit by him for awhile. If you do needlework, crochet, knit, bring it along-all you have to do then is the occasional uh huh, and let her drone on...and on...and on...

Hope this helps! :-)

[regular anon]

I don't drink but I can assure you I wouldn't need it even if I did. :)
And I won't whine either! They see me having fun with DH and the kids and laughing and it makes them miserable.

I will just focus on how happy I am and how much I love my family (DH and kids) and talk about how wonderful our life is. When they complain about...everything, the contrast will be so clear. They are miserable, jealous, needy and very high-maintenance. We are positive, joyful, in love, and very content.

All the clingy behavior in the world won't be enough to make us to give into them. Instead they will repel us, forcing DH to want to go on long walks with me, play cards with me, go to the coffee shop with me. I won't have to say a word. And they will be left alone during THEIR visit with us, STILL wondering why.

[kittymom]

>I think it is very rude when people don't let you get a word
>in edgewise. I don't think they realize just how
>inconsiderate they are being. I had a friend like this and I
>honestly felt like I needed a break after 10 or 15 minutes.
>It was exhausting to be around her. I should have just said,
>"I think I need a break, I'm going to get something out
>of the kitchen. Would you like me to bring you
>anything?" And just go escape for a few minutes. Give
>them a moment to think that if you need a break, maybe they
>need to cool it. Don't know if it would work, but at least
>you'd get a break!

My FIL had diarrea of the mouth.
:P
The only time his he wasn't talking was when he was sleeping. When I was first around him, I paid attention to him b/c I was brought up that it was rude to ignore someone when they were talking. Then, I realized MIL and DH were both totally ignoring him so I did the same.

The sad part was FIL either didn't realize or didn't care that everyone in the room was ignoring him. He still kept on - reading the newspaper out loud, doing commentary about programs on TV, etc. Totally dominating every conversation. He was such an azz.

[caranfin]

>One question- what do you say when they criticize others or
>complain about their circumstances incessantly? It gets
>really old and I don't want to participate in these negative
>bash-fests.

Criticizing others:

"Hmmm. That makes me wonder what you say about ME behind my back."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I think Fred is a wonderful person."
"That's so sad. I've never heard Mabel say anything bad about you."
"Can we please change the subject? I'm uncomfortable listening to gossip."

Complaining about their circumstances:

"So, what are you going to do about it?"
"Yes, I'm sure that's frustrating. Oh, DD said the funniest thing yesterday..."

[Mambojumbo]

My friend came up with this line: "Well, enough about you. Let's talk about me."