Would you attend MIL's funeral?

[cookbooksRUs]

Yes, if my husband went. First of all, we hate being separated. But also, I'd go to offer support against FM uncle. I'll get a truly chic black dress, drop-dead but tasteful black pumps, and be ready to take DH's arm and walk out of the room when FM uncle starts to give him sh!t for "abandoning" his DM.

[bigmomma1965ca]

I would be pointing out to FM uncle that HE abandoned his sister long before dh left home to create his own family,lol.

[shiksagoddess]

I'd have to. Or I'd have to be on my own deathbed not to.

Then I have to handle things because the Mensch would be paralyzed. Then I'd have to arrange for the week-long shiva craptacular. Then I'd have to clean up everything ... then ... (shudder).

Shiksagoddess
ILA #50
Keeper of the Mona Lisa smile
------------------------------
"For your children are not your children...For their souls rest in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams."
- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

[london calling]

I'd definitely go. I want to see her go into the ground for myself, just to make sure, you understand?

[rootofallevil]

Only for my husband. I would carry a can of mace to keep the rest of the creeps from trying to hug me after saying all kinds of rude stuff.

[sj1980]

I haven't really given this much thought, but I don't think I would. DH doesn't even know if he'd go. He thinks that he probably wouldn't find out anyways, since we're in total cut-off. They don't even know where we live at this point, and I hope it stays that way.

If he did go, I think I'd probably go with him to support him, but I also know the crappe that would be dished out against us at the same time. I'm not sure I want to expose myself to that BS. We'd take the fall for everything anyways; you can't speak ill of the dead, you know.

[LTL]

I would definitely go. My MIL isn't my problem (although her racism is a point I will not sit idly by on and DH won't either). And I do love her.

For my NM, I went to her funeral and DH went with me. It was one of the saddest funerals I have went to, not so much because it was my mother, but because not one person got up when the minister asked for people to share happy stories about her. I did not cry, but I haven't cried at a funeral since I was 10 or so at my grandfather's funeral.

I had two childhoods, one w/mom and that was filled w/horrible things that no child should have to deal with and one with my grandparents, that was filled with love. The years with my grandparents was what made me able to be a "normal" person. When my grandfather died, I was shocked and didn't start to cry until the service began. My mother told me to stop crying, I was just doing it for show, and how dare I do that at her father's funeral. I rarely ever cry now and I know I hold things in when I shouldn't. I think therapy would probably be good for me, but I've never gone.

[Sugarbear]

We both went to FIL's funeral. I went to support DH, not because of any feelings for his family or FIL. I'm glad that I went for DH's sake.


DH is an only child, and MIL probably is going to leave it all up to him to plan her funeral. He HATES funerals.

So if MIL doesn't actually plan and PAY for it before she dies, I don't think DH and I will actually HAVE a funeral for her. (DH said that she said "just plop her in the ground" and that she doesn't want a funeral, but he even thinks that she wants a huge funeral and lots of wailing and moaning, but she doesn't want to plan it)

She can be buried in the plot next to FIL, in a no-frills coffin, and NO FUNERAL... so she'd better decide all that stuff before and get it completely set up and paid because we're not doing otherwise.

[sj1980]

>>For my NM, I went to her funeral and DH went with me. It was one of the saddest funerals I have went to, not so much because it was my mother, but because not one person got up when the minister asked for people to share happy stories about her.<<

I'm a bit surprised. People (dysfunctional people anyways) seem to think that you can't say anything negative about anyone who is deceased, and usually try to remember the good times. There usually always are some of those. I would imagine that minister was a bit taken back when no one said anything about your M.

[beenthere]

Absolutely! I'd want to make very, very sure she was really, really, and truly dead.

[Katyisbananas]

Better, and cheaper, just to cremate her, in the plain cardboard box the funeral home provides, and bury her cremains next to FIL.

Why go to the trouble and expense of embalming her, and putting her in any kind of casket? Especially if DH hates funerals, and won't put on one for her.

[PauaPrincess]

Yes, to put a stake in her heart so she won't rise again!

[Ladymay]

No. Dh & I discussed this when we cut them off. In Dh's words, "Done means done, including if someone dies."

[MAK]

With a mallet to make sure the stake is in good and deep.

Seriously, since DH and I just separated, I feel no need to. I would take my cues from my kids, if they wanted to go and if they wanted me there.

[DisturbedAngel]

Depends. If ds was still really young, I could see staying home with him as a reasonable excuse not to have to go. But if ds were older and capable of handling going to something like that, then I suppose I'd go to support him and dh. But it would be SO HARD to hide my relief at never having to deal with that woman again. (Truth be told, I feel just horrible for thinking something that nasty but, really, what other alternative has she left me after years of putting up with her nastiness?)

DA
~~~

"Some people are like Slinky's... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

[Melme]

You better believe it. I want to make darn certain they close that old bat up in that box and lock her up tight!

[sunnyherndon]

Well I answered this last time you asked (lol I feel like such an old timer) and my answer hasn't changed. I'd go for DH & the kids but I want to wear the smiley face dress! :P

[FIL_less]

Same here.

Does/did anyone watch Star Trek TNG? Remember when Guinan Stabbed Q in the hand with a fork to see if he was really human. Thought I couldn't/wouldn't do this, I have a vision of me doing this to MIL when she is (supposed to be) dead to make sure she's really really dead. She's such a big cry baby, it would work.


-------------------
CO #18
Avenger #54

Last time I spoke directly to MIL: May 7, 2003

[FIL_less]

I would say sure, why not? She's the only one in the family that I don't like.



And she'd be dead. So no big deal, other than wanting to throw in the first (and last) shovel full. I'd just have to control my emotions. The correct way to act would be totally neutral. Tears always show in my eyes involuntarily, no matter what feelings I have for the deceased. And I really don't like crocodile tears from anybody including myself. With people in the family having a good idea how I feel, it would be bad for DH for me to be there boo-hoo'ing. And also to hold back from grinning or singing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.




-------------------
CO #18
Avenger #54

Last time I spoke directly to MIL: May 7, 2003

[Longonedil]

No I would not attend my XMIL's funeral. I would just say "what a shaaammee!!!!" Then go on about my day.

[LTL]

>I'm a bit surprised. People (dysfunctional people anyways)
>seem to think that you can't say anything negative about
>anyone who is deceased, and usually try to remember the good
>times. There usually always are some of those. I would
>imagine that minister was a bit taken back when no one said
>anything about your M.

The only thing my uncle (her brother) said was he was sorry, but she lived such a hard life, it really was for the best. This was in a phone call, he didn't go to the funeral. My mom had been hurting close family for a long, long time. Sometimes even the good can fade from your memory when it's been only bad for so long.

[barbedwire]

No, I will not be and my DH knows this and agrees with me.

First of all is the cost of an airline ticket. Not worth it. I would rather donate the money.

Second, I would have to say nice things about her to her grieving kids and sisters. Can't do it. Won't do it. So I won't put myself in that position. I won't pretend.

[barbedwire]

>I'd definitely go. I want to see her go into the ground for
>myself, just to make sure, you understand?

I didn't think of that. I may have to change my answer
:P

[BibleKitty]

If it is out of the country, no way. I'm not going to jeopardize my life going to where she would be, I'm not paying for 5 passports or the travel there. I don't think DH would spend the money either.

If it were in the US, maybe. I don't really want to go but I would for DH.

[latelearner]

If it were to happen soon, I wouldn't DARE - I think my SIL and BIL and FIL would lose their minds and come at me and DH with bare fists. However, should it be in the far future - then yes, I would, only because DH would want to go and I would support him. I asked him about it once and he told me that he wouldn't go his mom's funeral, only his dad's. Hurt little boy talking, we all know that, but still... I think it was on this board where someone said, if they aren't in your lives to celebrate the good things, then why should they be around for the bad?

[sabrina]

You bet I will. That will be a freakshow not to be missed!

I went to EX MIL's funeral several years ago with the kids (they were in their teens at the time. I knew the ex H was not going to be there, and had a great reunion with the ex's family. I still love them all. Cried like a baby at her funeral.

As for current MIL? I will want to make certain that it's really her. I'm sure she has her funeral all completely planned out, along with an extensive list of who to contact 'when the time comes'. What will be interesting is to see who comes and what they say. I've been told by MIL's own family members that she is 'difficult' (gee, ya think?) so it will be fascinating to hear what others have to say about her once she's gone!

[sabrina]

Otis,
I always said that if I could have switched the sons with the MILs I would have had the perfect life!

Seriously, the Ex's family knew what I was going through and were truly sorry that the ex had no interest in staying clean and sober. They weren't to blame, and my children and I went (with current DH's blessing) to visit ex's sister and M each summer, and definitely stayed in contact through the year. We still are, although less since the kids are adults.

For some reason that seemed to bother MIL....

[snickers]

yes, as it will the the last event I will ever attend for MIL

[notacknowledged]

nope. never met her and don't plan on doing it when she's dead.

[NotExactly]

I'll be the guy with the shovel and driving the backhoe.

[beenthere]

My MIL has been mean, nasty, and ugly to me for the past 30+ years. That is, until a few years ago, when she suddenly began being nicer. Not all the time, mind, but more than usual. I realized it was because she'd turned 80 and had realized that her days (hopefully it's days and not years x( ) are numbered and she'd become concerned about her legacy, i.e., how she would be remembered. It is of course waaay too little and waaay too late.

I shall remember her for her P/A comments, her sly little innuendos, her attempts to sabotage my marriage and, when that didn't work, to imply that DH and I were never married in the first place (e.g., referring to me as DH's "lady friend" when we'd been married more than 25 years). Oh, and of course, for her very deliberately ignoring that milestone anniversary. x( I'll remember her for her control freak antics, her manipulations, her selfishness and greediness, her shallowness, her racist comments, her constant blathering with a focus on gossip and things (how much they cost, how much she has) with everything based, always, on me, me, me.

Yes, I will be happy when she dies. I'll breath a big sigh of relief that I won't ever have to hear from, speak to, see, or think about her again. I am so looking forward to that day. And I hope it is soon.

[FIL_less]

Count me in as one who would like for different MILs to go with different sons.

My first college BF's family were all very nice and I liked them very much. I was a nervous wreck around them because I wanted to make a good impression. But that was me and not them. They were always very friendly and kind to me and did nice things to/for me. I was afraid that I would mess it up. I have even communicated with them since and they were still kind to me.

I may have even married him if he had stayed in this part of the country. We did not have a bad parting. When he got out of college two years before me, he moved way away and you know how long distance relationships can be at that age. I hear about him through the grapevine of common friends. He is still in a part of the country where I don't want to be.


I didn't know how good I had it with them until the next BF and then DH. There is a good chance that next BF's DW is on this board. She was worse than my MIL. Both of his parents did some nasty things to me only as his girlfriend, not even a potential fiance. They did not like any girl that he dated, blamed all of his problems on whoever it was and they had no problem showing it. They were the typical "helicopter parents" that colleges complain about now -- except this was 20 years before that was common!

[notacknowledged]

not really. talk to me about my mom.

[Tuesday]

Good question and one I've often asked myself.

I think I'd have to, because I've deliberately kept away from her for so many years now. I'd go to support my husband and I'm absolutely dreading it. I know that's negative but it's the truth.

This week yields her 86th birthday and we never thought she'd live this long.

I'm also absolutely dreading the aftermath of his grief (which will be real and prolongued), and helping to deal with all her stuff in another country......her money sprayed around so many different (foreign-currency) accounts; all her furniture, NONE of which I want nor have room for; her personal belongings, ditto. Plus, she has another son whom my husband doesn't speak to - presumably the other son would go to the funeral too, so there would be added stress.

To be honest, all you lovely MiL-Stories people, I don't come here much because the entire subject depresses me so much. If you see me posting it's nearly always on a Sunday - the day my husband phones her like the faithful tail-waving puppy-dog he is.

You see? Talking about her brings out the worst in me. It's not good.

In a way, sometimes I hope I die before she does. But then my intellect kicks in and says "Oh but then she'd move into YOUR house and finger all YOUR things instead, Tuesday!"


x(

[Koh]

No. The only reason to go is to support DH, and after what she has said about me my presence would be more of a hinderance than a help. Several members of his family are the type to throw public screaming fits (why they have also been cut off) - since I don't think that is appropriate at a funeral and would be unpleasant for the uninvolved members of his family, I would just stay away.

[5674]

What great timing for this question!

Just this past Saturday my MIL's OWN MOTHER passed away and MIL did NOT attend her Wake or her Funeral services. If MIL cant pay respects to her OWN MOTHER...Why in the world would I pay respects to someone who has treated me like crap that I am not even blood related to? The answer is NO WAY!

Thank you for this post!

[Balletchick]

Oh.my.gosh.

I could have written this post, barbed wire.

Verbatim.

DH and I discussed GMIL's funeral too whenever it will be...he said there's no way he'd go just to see the rest of his screwed up family...he feels that he has honored his GM during her life...why show up at a funeral to cry with all of the family he can't stand?

Same will be for MIl no doubt...the whole extended family is nuts and neither of us want to see them...neither of us will pretend either!!!

[devilDIL]

I would only becuase its expected and becuase I am a Southern Lady. But, in the traditions of an Irish Catholic girl, I plan on drinking heavily. So I have a great big pee built up for that grave. And so I can place barbed wire on that coffin so she can't come back as a zombie.

DevilDIL

[Tuesday]

>(((((Tuesday)))))
>
>I am sorry... it sounds like it is a very difficult situation
>for you and with good reason.
>
>The only "positive" I can find in all of this is, no
>one lives forever. They say "Only the good die
>young"... but the fact still remains... NO ONE LIVES
>FOREVER. And it isn't that I am wishing anyone to expire, but
>rather... when someone is so nasty to you for all your life,
>EVENTUALLY that nastiness WILL END.
>
>KWIM?
>
>HUGS to you,
>Otis

Thanks for the hugs, Otis.

You see? I'm back here again on a Sunday. That's the day she's in our lives. I should be glad it's only on a Sunday, I know, I know....

'Only the good die young' - I don't subscribe to that kind of cliché, sorry.

'No one lives forever' - it is entirely possible that I'll go before her. No one knows how much time they have, regrettably.

There is no pleasing the woman. I see people on here - indeed in this very thread - going on about their grandmothers and grandmother in laws. They must be very much younger than me, then. Just you wait, I feel like cackling HAH! There is no pleasing the woman. She's now 86. EIGHTY SIX! And she's still moaning on and on about woollen jerseys and how hard it is to find a jersey made of pure wool, having to buy a new washing machine, regretting that her vacuum cleaner packed up after thirty (or was it forty?) years.......she is full of misery and complaints. NOTHING my husband does for her is good enough, nothing.

I live with him and I love him, so therefore it rubs off on me too. No matter how much I resist this endless stream of negativity.

Thanks for reading. Incidentally, he's going away this week to see her. He is not looking forward to it. What does that tell you?

[beenthere]

>>The only "positive" I can find in all of this
>is, no
>>one lives forever. They say "Only the good die
>>young"... but the fact still remains... NO ONE LIVES
>>FOREVER.

>'No one lives forever' - it is entirely possible that I'll go
>before her. No one knows how much time they have,
>regrettably.

My MIL will be 84 in a couple of months. I hope she dies soon. My DH is 60 and I'd love to spend a few years with him without HER in the picture. I've put up what that nasty old woman for almost 30 years. I'm not sorry I feel the day I do about her either.

[Riley]

This doesn't really apply to my MIL, as she is merely annoying and not usually "harmful", but any relative or IL I'm not fond of-- heck yes, I'd go...if only to check for a pulse.

[ella]

I'm with DA here. For me, it depends on which IL it is and the age DDs are. At the moment as well, I also have trouble with the thought that me turning up is 'supporting' DH, when for 12 years I thought I did the supporting by playing at 'happy families' and sweeping everything under the rug. Just now, it feels that having to be at their funerals is one bit of support too far. I feel that I'd be better off at home looking after DDs and keeping family life going while DH deals with his family.

[LadyBelle]

Well when else would you be able to put the stake through her heart just to be sure? After the funeral the casket would be sealed and buried, so much more difficult.

[LadyBelle]

Salt and burn the bones. That is the way to be sure they aren't coming back. Talk cremation with DH and MIL. After all it is cheaper and you can scatter her ashes, or keep them in an urn on the mantel so she can continue to look over you from the grave. I realize some religions forbid this, but still a nice thought. Think of the sitcom value when a baseball, or other misfortune, hits that urn of ashes. It's bad luck to disrespect the dead, but one good sneeze at the wrong time..............

[ohmeohmi]

Yes, if DH wanted me to. He knows how I feel about her, so if he did not want me there, I would not go.

[Stalked]

I have to say, this is one of the things I have to thank her for - MIL's family has never believed in funerals. She didn't have them for her parents, and she won't expect one for herself (or so she says, but we all know she's hoping for the grand gesture). It's something I've never understood, and being quite fond of her parents, I was actually offended that they weren't given a proper send-off. Still, it gets us off the hook, doesn't it?

[Littleone]

I've only had one MIL. I don't expect to hear of her passing, and if by some chance my x ever found me and let me know she died my comment would have echoes of a comment she made about me to my grandmother. "Did someone finally shoot that b!tch?"

[FIL_less]

>I would say sure, why not? She's the only one in the family
>that I don't like.
>
>
>
>And she'd be dead. So no big deal, other than wanting to throw
>in the first (and last) shovel full. I'd just have to control
>my emotions. The correct way to act would be totally neutral.
> Tears always show in my eyes involuntarily, no matter what
>feelings I have for the deceased. And I really don't like
>crocodile tears from anybody including myself. With people in
>the family having a good idea how I feel, it would be bad for
>DH for me to be there boo-hoo'ing. And also to hold back from
>grinning or singing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.
>


I didn't realize we could still post to this. When I posted this message, it was less than a month before MIL really did die, much to my surprise. I thought she was to mean to go...
Interestingly, a lot of what I said I would do happened, a lot of what I feared did not. I went, wore the famous Christmas "PEACE and JOY" undies, but other than that was pretty much emotionless. I said for the record here, that I feared grinning or crying during the event, both which would be inappropriate. In reality, though there was a certain "peace", I felt totally emotionless during the actual funeral. It was total detachment. At most memorable point to me during the service, I looked up at the casket sitting in the front of the funeral home and thought "She's in there, it's over." in a very unemotional sort of way.

The rest of the ILs don't bother me one way or the other. I've always been pretty neutral on them, so the whole experince was OK, since MIL was not there in a way to bother me.

But I did NOT, shovel any of the dirt, put a stake through her heart, dance on her grave, etc. The only "bad" thing I did was the underwear thing and only one person who knows me knows about that. She isn't family and she won't tell!

>
>
>-------------------
>CO #18
>Avenger #54
>
>Last time I spoke directly to MIL: May 7, 2003

^^^^^ And I never spoke to her again! ^^^^

-------------------
MIL Survivor: NOW MIL_LESS TOO!!

CO #18
Avenger #54