forgiveness/"letting go"

[purple_rain]

a lot of us here struggle with dealing with the resentment and anger that accompanies our interaction with the ILs. even those of us who cut them off spend years obsessing, churning, dealing with our feelings - towards them, towards our spouse who tried to excuse, justify or ignore their abuse.

it's hard to stop thinking about the past which continues to influence and even define how we interact with out spouse and our ILs (if we continue to interact with them).

we know that we need to
1. forgive ourselves for letting them abuse us for so long.
2. forgive them - as in "let it go" and not dwell over it, for our own sakes.

easier said and done. though my ILs were cut off for years, i would continue to remember and resent - on a daily basis - how they treated me and my DH.

whenever he interacted with them, it would bring all those memories back. DH's defense mechanism was to simply forget all the obnoxious things they do and say. that's how he copes with it. for me, it was hard to forget or forgive.

on the odd occasion that i would interact with them when they visited us (every three years or so), they would do something nasty and i would simmer and stew about it for the next three years. why did MIL say 'x'? why did FIL do 'y'? how should i have responded? i knew what to expect from them so why am i surprised or angry? what did they mean? why didn't DH ask them to leave? bug-watching helps to some extent, but not entirely. in the end, you are still coming to terms with that unsettling feeling of being violated that is the norm around toxic people.

this time, though, it was different. i visited my country of birth for a month. i spent two hours around the ILs in a restaurant with ten other people. they were forced to watch what they said and did as "image" is paramount to them and the people i was with are those they would try to impress. DH and i did not discuss them at all - before, during or after the trip.

now, that i am back (and haven't interacted with them since or plan to), all the anger and resentment i harboured over 12 years has gone. just disappeared. when i think of them (only when i visit this site to see how some of the folks here are doing), i feel nothing. i feel liberated and as if i truly "let go".

so what changed this time?

a few things.

- i gave them no opportunity to be mean to me. i have no idea if they were mean to my DH in my absence 'cos i refuse to discuss them and he chooses to interact with them, so it's his problem. this was the first time i ever interacted with them that i came back without wondering why did s/he do /say this or that?

- i took my power back by refusing to explain why i wasn't visiting their house or staying with them. i spent two hours with them because i was meeting other relatives of my DH and they tagged along. i interacted with them on my own terms.

i had never planned to meet them at all, but i'm glad i did because this interaction gave me CLOSURE. i have been able to truly "let go". i try to respond to some posts here where someone talks about an experience with their ILs which is similar to mine, but i find that i cannot even muster the sense of indignation i used to have to talk about it. i honestly feel distanced from it - as if it happened to someone else.

so for those of my friends here who are where i was three months ago - trying to "let go" but not succeeding in the true sense of the word, the reason you can't do it is not because you "hold grudges" or are incapable of forgiveness (as my MIL told me when she "stooped to apologise".)

the reason you can't do it is because you haven't received CLOSURE.

according to wikipedia:
"Closure or need for closure are psychological terms that describe the desire or need individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty. Upon reaching this conclusion, they are now able to attain a state of epistemic "closure"."


i received closure because
- i set my terms down to DH. i would 100% be in charge of deciding whether i would interact with them or not. (those with children may find this more difficult to do.)

- i had an interaction with them that did not allow them the opportunity to be nasty to me or my DH. if they had tried, i would have told them what i thought and left. this time when i spent two hours around the ILs (i spent most of the time talking to other people), i was absolutely calm 'cos if they started something, i was prepared to let them have it with both barrels and they probably knew it too. they were more nervous than i was.

- DH had no opportunity to downplay their behaviour. and i'm back to putting them on extinction mode. i don't discuss them with him ever and he is smart enough to realise and ACCEPT that i don't plan to interact with them, at least not for the next few years. we have nothing to argue about.

- hence, i have nothing to stew over for the next three or ten years.

- i realised that i could let go, not because of some problem with me, but because you can forgive yourself and others only when you remove yourself from the abuse and let them know that you are not going to put up with it.

"letting go" requires an end to the abuse, an end to the enabling of the abuse by FMs or your spouse and the ability to be around the abuser in a position of power, where you feel able to defend yourself if they start. as long as your last interaction with involved stress or discomfort, "letting go" is difficult.
at least from my experience,

- until the power switch happens and you take back control of who you are around and on what terms,
- unless the abuse stops or your spouse puts his/her foot down and takes your side
- or you divorce him/her,

it will not happen.

[not one of them..]

thanks for posting this purple rain - I think it makes a lot of sense! This is something that has really been bugging me lately. I thought I was getting a little bit closer to indifference, but it keeps coming back - that anger and resentment towards my inlaws and especially DH is exactly how you describe it. Right now I think it is just anxiety and fear that things will go back to the way they used to be. I like the idea of closure involving certainty, but that is just not something I feel like I have right now. DH gets mad at me because he thinks I should just trust that things will be fine now - and for the last few months it's been great and there is no pressure for me to deal with MIL or any of the inlaws. But I don't have certainty that it is going to stay that way which makes it hard for me to let go totally. It sounds like your trip really gave you that closure and that is great!

[far far away]

That is a very powerful post Purple Rain. It gives me a lot to think about. I know one of the major things I need to do is to forgive myself for putting up with the ILS for so many years. I am usually a very self confident person who stands up for herself and yet I kept my mouth shut about the ILS for a long time. I also need to deal with the realization that I never will have closure with my FIL. He had a stroke and lived the life of a man with a marshmallow for four years before he died. I'm trying to work on it but it seems that most times when I talk on the phone with my MIL, or even hear my DH's end of a conversation with her, I'm back in my pool of resentment.

[Mambojumbo]

I am glad that you are free, purple.

For me, I think things will feel different when DS reaches adulthood.

[Green Turtle]

Dear Purple,

What a powerful statement. It took a lot of soul searching to get to this point and I am so happy for you.

For myself, I do believe that I have come far with the 'forgiving', especially forgiving myself for being such a wimp. Once I knew better, I could do better. However, I still harbor a fear that things could come crashing down .... not really with my ILs, but with Mr. GT. He, too, has come far ... I think he has given up the need to reconcile his family. But, I don't think he has worked through some feelings of guilt that he has of not being the 'perfect son'. And this is stuff HE has to work out. I can only support him and care for him.

It does make me sad that he and I wasted so much so time and efforts trying to please his parents, when, in truth, they could not be pleased. But that is the past and I have to leave it there.

I guess I feel I can't totally look forward towards peace and happiness yet.

Thank you, purple, for posting this. You give me hope.

Sincerely,
~Green Turtle~

[angrydil]

a lot of us here struggle with dealing with the resentment and anger that accompanies our interaction with the ILs. even those of us who cut them off spend years obsessing, churning, dealing with our feelings - towards them, towards our spouse who tried to excuse, justify or ignore their abuse.

it's hard to stop thinking about the past which continues to influence and even define how we interact with out spouse and our ILs (if we continue to interact with them).

we know that we need to
1. forgive ourselves for letting them abuse us for so long.
2. forgive them - as in "let it go" and not dwell over it, for our own sakes.

easier said and done. though my ILs were cut off for years, i would continue to remember and resent - on a daily basis - how they treated me and my DH.

whenever he interacted with them, it would bring all those memories back. DH's defense mechanism was to simply forget all the obnoxious things they do and say. that's how he copes with it. for me, it was hard to forget or forgive.

on the odd occasion that i would interact with them when they visited us (every three years or so), they would do something nasty and i would simmer and stew about it for the next three years. why did MIL say 'x'? why did FIL do 'y'? how should i have responded? i knew what to expect from them so why am i surprised or angry? what did they mean? why didn't DH ask them to leave? bug-watching helps to some extent, but not entirely. in the end, you are still coming to terms with that unsettling feeling of being violated that is the norm around toxic people.

this time, though, it was different. i visited my country of birth for a month. i spent two hours around the ILs in a restaurant with ten other people. they were forced to watch what they said and did as "image" is paramount to them and the people i was with are those they would try to impress. DH and i did not discuss them at all - before, during or after the trip.

now, that i am back (and haven't interacted with them since or plan to), all the anger and resentment i harboured over 12 years has gone. just disappeared. when i think of them (only when i visit this site to see how some of the folks here are doing), i feel nothing. i feel liberated and as if i truly "let go".

so what changed this time?

a few things.

- i gave them no opportunity to be mean to me. i have no idea if they were mean to my DH in my absence 'cos i refuse to discuss them and he chooses to interact with them, so it's his problem. this was the first time i ever interacted with them that i came back without wondering why did s/he do /say this or that?

- i took my power back by refusing to explain why i wasn't visiting their house or staying with them. i spent two hours with them because i was meeting other relatives of my DH and they tagged along. i interacted with them on my own terms.

i had never planned to meet them at all, but i'm glad i did because this interaction gave me CLOSURE. i have been able to truly "let go". i try to respond to some posts here where someone talks about an experience with their ILs which is similar to mine, but i find that i cannot even muster the sense of indignation i used to have to talk about it. i honestly feel distanced from it - as if it happened to someone else.

so for those of my friends here who are where i was three months ago - trying to "let go" but not succeeding in the true sense of the word, the reason you can't do it is not because you "hold grudges" or are incapable of forgiveness (as my MIL told me when she "stooped to apologise".)

the reason you can't do it is because you haven't received CLOSURE.

according to wikipedia:
"Closure or need for closure are psychological terms that describe the desire or need individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty. Upon reaching this conclusion, they are now able to attain a state of epistemic "closure"."


i received closure because
- i set my terms down to DH. i would 100% be in charge of deciding whether i would interact with them or not. (those with children may find this more difficult to do.)

- i had an interaction with them that did not allow them the opportunity to be nasty to me or my DH. if they had tried, i would have told them what i thought and left. this time when i spent two hours around the ILs (i spent most of the time talking to other people), i was absolutely calm 'cos if they started something, i was prepared to let them have it with both barrels and they probably knew it too. they were more nervous than i was.

- DH had no opportunity to downplay their behaviour. and i'm back to putting them on extinction mode. i don't discuss them with him ever and he is smart enough to realise and ACCEPT that i don't plan to interact with them, at least not for the next few years. we have nothing to argue about.

- hence, i have nothing to stew over for the next three or ten years.

- i realised that i could let go, not because of some problem with me, but because you can forgive yourself and others only when you remove yourself from the abuse and let them know that you are not going to put up with it.

"letting go" requires an end to the abuse, an end to the enabling of the abuse by FMs or your spouse and the ability to be around the abuser in a position of power, where you feel able to defend yourself if they start. as long as your last interaction with involved stress or discomfort, "letting go" is difficult.
at least from my experience,

- until the power switch happens and you take back control of who you are around and on what terms,
- unless the abuse stops or your spouse puts his/her foot down and takes your side
- or you divorce him/her,

it will not happen.

Thank you for this. I am happy to hear you have closure and you are exactly right that that is what is needed. One of my close girlfriends said something to me along these lines just the other day. She asked me if I thought I would ever go with my husband to see my inlaws and i told her I thought I might but wasn't in a place emotionally where I thought I could. Also I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to reestablish a relationship with them. She said she thought it would be good for me to go if only just to prove to myself that I can be around them without giving away my power. Then reading your post fits with that. This is what I need too.
This really hits home for me:
"letting go" requires an end to the abuse, an end to the enabling of the abuse by FMs or your spouse and the ability to be around the abuser in a position of power, where you feel able to defend yourself if they start. as long as your last interaction with involved stress or discomfort, "letting go" is difficult.

[Starfish]

purple,

I am so happy to hear this. Well done! Enjoy the peace.

[HisHeathenHoney]

Very well said!! A lot of wisdom in that. :)

I think another thing that helps with forgiveness is realizing that we really want to be who we are, right at this moment. And that includes being a person who had adverse things happen, and who gained wisdom and strength from them.

I don't have THAT bad of a relationship with my ILs (more annoying & irritating than toxic) but I did have one toxic boyfriend who was hard for me to "let go" of for many years. But now that I am married to my DH and have 2 great kids and a life I love I realize that I wouldn't go back in time to change ever having met the schmuck. Because without that mess of a relationship I would not have learned many things: not to care what a toxic person things or to worry about "making" them "get" my side of things. Learning to recognize subtly manipulative behavior and call it what it is. Not caring what other people think of how I handle toxic behavior or toxic people. Not caring if I seem MMEEAAAAAANNNNNN to someone because I don't put up with their crap. Appreciating how a good partner handles disagreement and stress.

The suffering I had from that bad relationship has repaid me a hundred times over because I have used my knowledge to quickly extricate myself from bad situations ever since, rather than stay stuck in dead ends. I recognize dysfunction and boundary crossing lightning fast now, and I can name it and get away from it, I don't waste my time trying to "make" someone accept my boundaries. I decline activities I want to decline. I hang up on telemarketers without bothering to explain myself. I let friendships go if they are not real friendships. And I appreciate the sanity and integrity of my true friends much more. In the end, my life has LESS suffering and MORE contentment and happiness because I learned from the bad things that happened. So it's okay that it happened. And that's why I can let it go.

[wearywarrior]

This is ne posting that shouldn't be hidden in the archives because whether you or new to this site or not eventually it will speak to you. For ones own benefit hopefully sooner than later. My MIl does not go to bed in angst over comments she made intentionally . Why should I or you . One of the ladies called it giving them free rent in your head and that resonated with me. Time again when you wonder why you went through all this rottenness realize you have grown in wisdom and that was a benefit to us who are struggling too.

[ThisWasMyLife]

"letting go" requires an end to the abuse, an end to the enabling of the abuse by FMs or your spouse and the ability to be around the abuser in a position of power, where you feel able to defend yourself if they start. as long as your last interaction with involved stress or discomfort, "letting go" is difficult.
at least from my experience,

- until the power switch happens and you take back control of who you are around and on what terms,
- unless the abuse stops or your spouse puts his/her foot down and takes your side
- or you divorce him/her,

it will not happen.

Excellent post and the above quoted portion really speaks to me. I have struggled with letting go because I haven't seen the end to the abuse. Yes, MIL is CO and I am no longer forced to see her, but the abuse continues as long as my H allows the lies to stand as truth, because he's too busy hiding his head in the sand trying to pretend this disaster away, and he's afraid to speak up in defense of his wife to the extended FOO. So, they continue to believe the awful lies and he can't figure out why I no longer make an effort to see or talk to any of them. I know he's not that stupid, he's just being willfully obtuse about it. Why would I want to be around people who have been led to believe I am something I am not? Why would I want to be put in situations where they sit around obviously whispering about me, ignoring my presense, and treating me like crappe on a shoe, while H stands there convincing himself it was a "really good time"? As long as he's willing to ignore the elephant in the room (and allow the abuse of ME, his WIFE, to continue) then I can't let go and get that closure that I deserve.

[wearywarrior]

Excellent post and the above quoted portion really speaks to me. I have struggled with letting go because I haven't seen the end to the abuse. Yes, MIL is CO and I am no longer forced to see her, but the abuse continues as long as my H allows the lies to stand as truth, because he's too busy hiding his head in the sand trying to pretend this disaster away, and he's afraid to speak up in defense of his wife to the extended FOO. So, they continue to believe the awful lies and he can't figure out why I no longer make an effort to see or talk to any of them. I know he's not that stupid, he's just being willfully obtuse about it. Why would I want to be around people who have been led to believe I am something I am not? Why would I want to be put in situations where they sit around obviously whispering about me, ignoring my presense, and treating me like crappe on a shoe, while H stands there convincing himself it was a "really good time"? As long as he's willing to ignore the elephant in the room (and allow the abuse of ME, his WIFE, to continue) then I can't let go and get that closure that I deserve. Sadly I can relate. When others read our posts they think we are holding on to petty grudges sometimes but these are no small slights and they can go on for years with no end in sight . One could write a condensed version of my experience with my ILS but it wouldn't clearly portray hours of verbal abuse,years of game playing and all the tears shed and sleepless nights one experiences dealing with this.As it is with other posters .

[couldbeworse]

Part of the problem is that most of us are NICE PEOPLE and we don't recognize the abuse for what it is for years. And by the time we realize it's not accidental, they did mean that, they know what they're doing, they aren't going to stop, they aren't nice people, and they don't care that they hurt us, that they enjoy hurting us, and our husband's are just standing there watching it like a football game on TV and it's not HIS team so he won't even yell about it --- well we've lost some part of ourselves.

And then we have to build ourselves back up because we've been subtly or overtly abused for years. By the time we DO something we are angry with ourselves for having put up with it for so long. And the normal people in our lives just don't understand. So you can't even talk about it honestly and openly.

So forgiving ourselves and letting go is hard. Because in so many cases we had to work so stinking hard to say - That's not right and I'm not going to put up with it any more.

[ThisWasMyLife]

Part of the problem is that most of us are NICE PEOPLE and we don't recognize the abuse for what it is for years. And by the time we realize it's not accidental, they did mean that, they know what they're doing, they aren't going to stop, they aren't nice people, and they don't care that they hurt us, that they enjoy hurting us, and our husband's are just standing there watching it like a football game on TV and it's not HIS team so he won't even yell about it --- well we've lost some part of ourselves.

And then we have to build ourselves back up because we've been subtly or overtly abused for years. By the time we DO something we are angry with ourselves for having put up with it for so long. And the normal people in our lives just don't understand. So you can't even talk about it honestly and openly.

So forgiving ourselves and letting go is hard. Because in so many cases we had to work so stinking hard to say - That's not right and I'm not going to put up with it any more.

Amen!

[TrailPaint]

Part of the problem is that most of us are NICE PEOPLE and we don't recognize the abuse for what it is for years. And by the time we realize it's not accidental, they did mean that, they know what they're doing, they aren't going to stop, they aren't nice people, and they don't care that they hurt us, that they enjoy hurting us, and our husband's are just standing there watching it like a football game on TV and it's not HIS team so he won't even yell about it --- well we've lost some part of ourselves.

And then we have to build ourselves back up because we've been subtly or overtly abused for years. By the time we DO something we are angry with ourselves for having put up with it for so long. And the normal people in our lives just don't understand. So you can't even talk about it honestly and openly.

So forgiving ourselves and letting go is hard. Because in so many cases we had to work so stinking hard to say - That's not right and I'm not going to put up with it any more.

Oh! so true!

[purple_rain]

DH gets mad at me because he thinks I should just trust that things will be fine now - and for the last few months it's been great and there is no pressure for me to deal with MIL or any of the inlaws. But I don't have certainty that it is going to stay that way which makes it hard for me to let go totally.


i recently read this quote:
"Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success. - Swami Vivekananda"

take up the idea that you are in your charge of your life and not the ILs. embrace it. when my cat was a tiny kitten, she would roll around my foot, grab it, wrestle with it and sometimes, when she got carried away, her little claws would come out. i would get up and walk away, or spray her with a tiny bit of water and that was the end of it.

now, you cannot compare a hose beast to a sweet kitten, but if your MIL starts clawing at your feet, you can get up and walk away too. if your DH decides to offer his foot instead, he's welcome to. there's no way he can force you to deal with her, so relax and enjoy your pregnancy. you can deal with the hose beast when it presents itself.

[purple_rain]

That is a very powerful post Purple Rain. It gives me a lot to think about. I know one of the major things I need to do is to forgive myself for putting up with the ILS for so many years. I am usually a very self confident person who stands up for herself and yet I kept my mouth shut about the ILS for a long time. I also need to deal with the realization that I never will have closure with my FIL. He had a stroke and lived the life of a man with a marshmallow for four years before he died. I'm trying to work on it but it seems that most times when I talk on the phone with my MIL, or even hear my DH's end of a conversation with her, I'm back in my pool of resentment.

can you write an obituary where you describe his relationship with you and your children, what upset you about it and have yousrelf heard - things that you wanted to tell him but didn't? maybe you should symbolically "bury" that obituary to signify the end of your relationship with him. sounds goofy, but i did that with my mother and it gave me some relief.

[purple_rain]

I am glad that you are free, purple.

For me, I think things will feel different when DS reaches adulthood.

you gave him a gift by cutting his toxic grandmother off. hope you find closure soon.

[purple_rain]

It does make me sad that he and I wasted so much so time and efforts trying to please his parents, when, in truth, they could not be pleased. But that is the past and I have to leave it there.

I guess I feel I can't totally look forward towards peace and happiness yet.

Thank you, purple, for posting this. You give me hope.

Sincerely,
~Green Turtle~

think of it as a promotion - from a thankless job - pleasing his parents, to a promotion - pleasing yourself. it's something to celebrate.

[purple_rain]

Thank you for this. I am happy to hear you have closure and you are exactly right that that is what is needed. One of my close girlfriends said something to me along these lines just the other day. She asked me if I thought I would ever go with my husband to see my inlaws and i told her I thought I might but wasn't in a place emotionally where I thought I could. Also I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to reestablish a relationship with them. She said she thought it would be good for me to go if only just to prove to myself that I can be around them without giving away my power. Then reading your post fits with that. This is what I need too.


while dealing with passive aggressive manipulative people who pretend not to understaaaaaand why you are upset, it's a losing proposition to deliberately go around them, especially if you do not wish to re-establish a relationship and are not emotionally prepared to deal with them.

if you do go around them, are you confident that your DH has your back? do so only if you are. else, it's better to stay completely away.

[purple_rain]

purple,

I am so happy to hear this. Well done! Enjoy the peace.

thank you, dear starfish.

[purple_rain]

The suffering I had from that bad relationship has repaid me a hundred times over because I have used my knowledge to quickly extricate myself from bad situations ever since, rather than stay stuck in dead ends. I recognize dysfunction and boundary crossing lightning fast now, and I can name it and get away from it, I don't waste my time trying to "make" someone accept my boundaries. I decline activities I want to decline. I hang up on telemarketers without bothering to explain myself. I let friendships go if they are not real friendships. And I appreciate the sanity and integrity of my true friends much more. In the end, my life has LESS suffering and MORE contentment and happiness because I learned from the bad things that happened. So it's okay that it happened. And that's why I can let it go.

true. and it has a chain effect. my DH learnt to tell his haloed parents "no". imagine that. 'cos i did and the sky didn't fall over. i will never forget the stunned silence on the other end of the phone when my MIL demanded that DH apply for green cards for her and FIL and DH said "no way". i could see the CBF thousands of miles away.

[purple_rain]

My MIl does not go to bed in angst over comments she made intentionally . Why should I or you . One of the ladies called it giving them free rent in your head and that resonated with me. Time again when you wonder why you went through all this rottenness realize you have grown in wisdom and that was a benefit to us who are struggling too.

physical distance does help, though. if i remember correctly, you live next door to your ILs, hard to get them out of your mind and lives when they are literally breathing down your necks. ((hugs))

[purple_rain]

As long as he's willing to ignore the elephant in the room (and allow the abuse of ME, his WIFE, to continue) then I can't let go and get that closure that I deserve.

maybe you should hang out with someone he hates? once, many years ago, when my DH suggested that i buy a plane ticket for myself and his mother to accompany her somewhere without him around, i asked him if he would like to sponsor and go on a trip with a mean co-worker of his who everyone at work hated. he was shocked by the analogy 'cos he didn't realise someone could dislike his haloed mommy though he himself didn't like her very much. 'cos in his heart he knew she was not really nice, but felt guilty even thinking about it.

[purple_rain]

Part of the problem is that most of us are NICE PEOPLE and we don't recognize the abuse for what it is for years. And by the time we realize it's not accidental, they did mean that, they know what they're doing, they aren't going to stop, they aren't nice people, and they don't care that they hurt us, that they enjoy hurting us, and our husband's are just standing there watching it like a football game on TV and it's not HIS team so he won't even yell about it --- well we've lost some part of ourselves.

And then we have to build ourselves back up because we've been subtly or overtly abused for years. By the time we DO something we are angry with ourselves for having put up with it for so long. And the normal people in our lives just don't understand. So you can't even talk about it honestly and openly.

So forgiving ourselves and letting go is hard. Because in so many cases we had to work so stinking hard to say - That's not right and I'm not going to put up with it any more.

and when you do say it, everyone accuses you for being rude, mean and/or crazy.

[ThisWasMyLife]

maybe you should hang out with someone he hates? once, many years ago, when my DH suggested that i buy a plane ticket for myself and his mother to accompany her somewhere without him around, i asked him if he would like to sponsor and go on a trip with a mean co-worker of his who everyone at work hated. he was shocked by the analogy 'cos he didn't realise someone could dislike his haloed mommy though he himself didn't like her very much. 'cos in his heart he knew she was not really nice, but felt guilty even thinking about it.

At this point I don't think he'd care if I hung out with his sworn enemies. Just one more way for him to play the martyr/victim act...just like his mother does. Poor wittle DuH, his mean ol' wifey hangs out wiff hims enemieeeeessss!