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View Full Version : Excuses, excuses...



mamaalanna
Aug 5, 2016, 07:42 AM
You know, it occurs to me that all of us hear (or heard, for those lucky ones of us whose MIL has gone to the Great B!tchfest in the Sky) the same excuses from our DHs and their FOO.

We need to number them, or abbreviate them, or something. "That's just the way she is" could be Excuse1, or TJTWSI ( bleh!) So,

1. That's just the way she is.
2. She didn't mean it like that.
3. You misunderstood her.
4. She never said that.
5. Can't you take a joke?
6. You're just too sensitive.
7. You are the one with the problem if you think she was said or did xyz.
8. You just don't like her.
9. She loves you in her own way
10. You've got to remember she's old
11. " " " " " [been] ill
12. I'm sure she would never say/do something like that
13. That doesn't sound like the [relative] I know
14. Can't you just forgive and forget?
15. She may not be with us for much longer
16. You've got to remember, she's from a different generation
17. That's the way things were in those days
18. Are you sure?
19. Well, it's your fault - you know what he/she's like
20. You must've provoked him/her
21. She's never going to change!
22. You are making it difficult for me -- she/he is upset that you won't speak to her/him, just put it behind you and stop this silly cutoff.
23. You hate my faaamily!
24. She's just trying to help!
25. She's (stressed, tired, hungry, thirsty, has dry skin, etc. etc.) so she's not responsible for what she says.
26. You are just looking for things to be mad about!
27. She doesn't understand
28. She's going through The Change and that makes her grouchy.
29. She's a bitter old bitty!
30. You can't ever forgive.
31. You have to be the bigger person.
32. I know my parents are obnoxious, but I want you with me so can't you just put up with them for my sake?
33. She has a hard time accepting change
34. It's your nerves. Have you thought about getting treatment for them?
35. They didn't do anything at the last visit, why are you getting upset?
36. If you saw them more often, you wouldn't get stressed/upset.
37. My parents hate you because your family had everything handed to them on a plate
38. She had a hard life.
39. You're not perfect either.
40. But she is my Moooother.
41. I wasn't there, I didn't hear her say that.
42. I don't remember anything like that.
43. No one else sees it as a problem, stop causing trouble.
44. "They've lived too long in *name of horrid place they live where the people have a reputation for being not nice*".
45. All you care about is YOURSELF family
46. She's mentally ill, and doesn't realize that what she does hurts people...

So far they sum up to 3 categories:
A. She can't help being a b!tch because excuses.
B. You're the one with the problem.
C. I don't believe you.

And all of them boil down to "You don't matter, only Mommy matters." Your feelings are nothing to Mommy's feelings. Can't hurt Mommy, so must hurt wife. Wife will understand.


Any others?

Cura2
Aug 5, 2016, 07:58 AM
You are the one with the problem if you think she was said or did xyz. Because of the list above.

caranfin
Aug 5, 2016, 08:05 AM
You just don't like her.

lorna
Aug 5, 2016, 08:25 AM
Adding to mamaalanna's list:

E8 She loves you in her own way
E9 You've got to remember she's old
E10 " " " " " [been] ill
E11 I'm sure she would never say/do something like that
E12 That doesn't sound like the [relative] I know
E13 Can't you just forgive and forget?
E14 She may not be with us for much longer
E15 You've got to remember, she's from a different generation
E16 That's the way things were in those days
E17 Are you sure?
E18 Well, it's your fault - you know what he/she's like
E19 You must've provoked him/her

NB I didn't hear these from DH about MIL - they're from my FOO or FMs, about members of my FOO. Same principle, though.

Lorraine
Aug 5, 2016, 09:12 AM
E20... she's never going to change!

Petlover3
Aug 5, 2016, 09:51 AM
E21: You are making it difficult for me she/he is upset that you won't speak to her/him, just put it behind you and stop this silly cutoff.

Honey
Aug 5, 2016, 12:25 PM
There's my favorite because I have heard it so often: "You hate my faaamily!"

kaybee3
Aug 5, 2016, 12:55 PM
E22: She's just trying to help!
E23: She's (stressed, tired, hungry, thirsty, has dry skin, etc. etc.) so she's not responsible for what she says.
E24: You are just looking for things to be mad about!
E25: She doesn't understand

When DH would say E24, I would tell him that I don't have to look very hard, do I?

When he would say E25, I would tell him that she understands perfectly well, and if she doesn't , she needs to be in a full-care facility - not a rehab, but a nursing home. He didn't like that too much.

Dream
Aug 5, 2016, 01:51 PM
E26: But fammillllllyyyyyy...

As an aside, E22 makes my eye twitch.

mamaalanna
Aug 5, 2016, 02:07 PM
E27 She's going through The Change and that makes her grouchy. (For 25 years?!?)

Lorraine
Aug 5, 2016, 02:16 PM
#28... she's a bitter old bitty!

far far away
Aug 5, 2016, 03:01 PM
E#29...You can't ever forgive.

Has she apologized? Has she even ever admitted she did anything wrong? Then how can I forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness?

shiksagoddess
Aug 5, 2016, 04:55 PM
E30: You have to be the bigger person.
E31: (from the Mensch) I know my parents are obnoxious, but I want you with me so can't you just put up with them for my sake?
E32: He will never change.

nappydays
Aug 5, 2016, 05:36 PM
I got "They've spent too long in *name of town where the ILs live*" once from DH, though I don't suppose that is a very common excuse. It is a rough area where they are, but not everyone is nasty like them! About two weeks after he said this, FIL wrote DH a nasty text and ended it by saying he had lived too long in *name of the place we live*, so it must be a frequent thing to blame in their family lol!

LMS nli
Aug 5, 2016, 06:19 PM
E27 She's going through The Change and that makes her grouchy. (For 25 years?!?)

OMG, that reminds me of my best friend. Her MIL (now dead) was a pill and one day, BF was complaining to her mother about her. Her Mom asked, "Going through the change of life is not easy on a woman, you need to be understanding." My best friend knew that her MIL hit menopause in her late 30's and said to her mother, "She went through it 30 years ago. Does it really take that long? You went through it 2 years ago and you're not a B word. How come?" Her mother couldn't answer and just stared at her. She knew her daughter was right.

HighLife
Aug 6, 2016, 11:12 AM
"She has a hard time accepting change"

ella
Aug 6, 2016, 02:18 PM
All from DH:

E33: It's your nerves. Have you thought about getting treatment for them?
E34: They didn't do anything at the last visit, why are you getting upset?
E35: If you saw them more often, you wouldn't get stressed/upset.
E36: My parents hate you because your family had everything handed to them on a plate (no, they just worked hard. Just another excuse to make his parents behaviour seem reasonable and of course, my parents have always been nice to him, so he had to find something to justify his parents behaviour towards me.)

freedomrider
Aug 7, 2016, 06:49 PM
"She had a hard life."

"You're not perfect."

Alyssa
Aug 8, 2016, 10:16 AM
You know, it occurs to me that all of us hear (or heard, for those lucky ones of us whose MIL has gone to the Great B!tchfest in the Sky) the same excuses from our DHs and their FOO.

We need to number them, or abbreviate them, or something. "That's just the way she is" could be Excuse1, or TJTWSI ( bleh!) So,

E1 That's just the way she is.
E2 She didn't mean it like that.
E3 You misunderstood her.
E3 She never said that.
E4 Can't you take a joke?
E5 You're just too sensitive.

Any others?

"But she is my Moooother." "She is the Graaandmother" (why didn't he tell Mother/GM not to treat his wife, mother of his child, so bad?)
"I wasn't there, I didn't hear her say that.' (I must be lying)

mamaalanna
Dec 15, 2016, 08:33 PM
Bumping for new members.

ljs
Dec 16, 2016, 01:45 AM
I have definitely heard the "she didn't mean it that way".

Because she speaks another language I hear the "you just misunderstood her" all the time.

Funny because she understands English just fine when it suits her. Over the years I have come to understand that MIL means very much what she says and she says it to get a reaction.

crazymental
Dec 16, 2016, 02:34 AM
You must have misunderstood/misheard.


No one else sees it as a problem, stop causing trouble.

nappydays nli
Dec 16, 2016, 05:05 AM
DH used a few of those excuses when he was trying to stop me putting up boundaries (think he thought it was easier to control me than MIL/FIL). When he said "That is just what she's like" I replied "and this is just what I'm like" and he he was stumped.

Interestingly, one of the last things he said (to excuse them) was "They've lived too long in *name of horrid place they live where the people have a reputation for being not nice*". A couple of days later DH got a text from FIL calling him names and accusing him of changing (ie not doing what FIL told him to do any more) because he had lived too long in *name of place where we live*!

Just in case he hadn't noticed, I pointed out DH's similarity to FIL re the making of excuses and DH has never said anything similar since.

far far away
Dec 16, 2016, 11:24 AM
My DH has used the "she's old and she grew up on a small town and has lived in small far northern city for too long" excuse also. Last time we visited MIL used a specific racial term to describe someone. Now I know it was a perfectly polite term before the mid 60's but it hasn't been in general use since. DH used the old "she's old bla, bla, bla." I didn't let him get away with it. I pointed out that MIL lived all over the world in the late 60's and 70's when no one used that term and that FIL was in the services with people of all races. I'm sure she didn't use that term then. Also when FIL left the Air Force he joined the faculty of a university with colleagues and students of all races. She knew better.

pleasehelpme
Dec 16, 2016, 07:18 PM
She's mentally ill, and doesn't realize that what she does hurts people...

pleasehelpme
Dec 16, 2016, 07:19 PM
I have heard just about EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE... No kidding...

its_kc
Dec 18, 2016, 12:14 PM
Same here with the additional line after.... All you care about is YOURSELF family

Rosalie
Dec 18, 2016, 01:00 PM
This thread is gold. Wish we could "sticky" it.

Whoever
Dec 18, 2016, 01:35 PM
This thread is gold. Wish we could "sticky" it.

HALL OF FAME.

Whoever

Rosalie
Dec 18, 2016, 01:59 PM
Yeah that's the ticket!:applause:

mom of 4
Dec 18, 2016, 10:18 PM
I have heard just about EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE... No kidding...

Me too. I never cut her off. I did limit information. It is never HER fault or his. I have flat out told DH if you corrected it when it happened, she would not do it anymore.