abs

suggestions please

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by , Jul 18, 2014 at 06:27 AM (18589 Views)
So, I feel so depressed about this entire situation, feel helpless and do not know what to do.

I live in a culture where you are supposed to live with your in laws and take care of them, well, that would have been easy if my MIL was not the way she is.

To give a little background on myself and my marriage. Well I work full time. I did my graduate studies in amongst the best 30 business schools in USA on scholarship. I earn a good amount of money. As in our culture intercast marriages are not appreciated I went against my dad for 3 years and then got married to my DH. DH is a very kind man, very simple and loves me a lot, values and appreciates my inputs to his family and work.

I am expected to do everything around the house and listen to every crap they throw on me, then not react

My MIL is so terrible. She is always picking on me on everything, if I list everything down that she says and does I think I would write a book. I have been married for almost 2.5 years and here are few things that I have heard from her:

1) 3 days after us getting married she knocked on our door 5 in the morning and then gave me a list of household chores I had to do everyday. Then she followed me doing everything(sweeping the house, cooking, doing dishes, making tea and serving everyone), and dictated to me where I was wrong.

2) Same day I was bringing my stuffs into my room(my belongings and gifts from wedding), she came to me, her teeths clenched and told me that I should have displayed everything I had brought to them, and I was being very disrespectful.

3) 2 weeks after us being married she told me that my mother has not taught me to do anything and that I don't cook well(I should mention that I love cooking and have been appreciated not only by my close family and friends but also my acquaintances from around the world when I was studying abroad, I can cook for like 60 people at once and noone has ever complained).

4) She constantly complained about me not doing anything in the house after me working all day. Initially I used to go and try to be friendly with her, but she did not stop complaining about what I am and what a good DIL should be like so I stopped doing that too. I should mention that I used to be so busy that I did not even find enough time to be cozy with my husband.

After 2 months of being married, I nearly ended it between my husband and me(we have been together for 10 years before being married to each other) because I could take no more from my MIL and DH was too scared to go against her. Well, DH realized and I could not make the effort to break the marriage because I went against my parents to be with him. We were together again and my man changed himself, but I can not say same about his family. I also started taking little lesser responsibility around the house, but I still did a lot.

I could go over a long list of things but here are just a few things that recently happened that is making it really hard for me.

1) A year back, when I was having my periods my IL decided to rearrange rooms, as I was on my periods was not healthy enough to help them with it, they made a huge fuss about it and said I do not do enough in the house. As I was not in the best of hormonal balance, I replied back, I said apart from everything else I also give them money, I know it was harsh on my part, but could not take it any longer. Few days after that, when my husband was helping me in the kitchen my SIL came in and started shouting that the men in the house should stay away from the kitchen and that my DH was a women. He was so furious he hurt himself while not trying to take out the fury on her and broke his leg. I stayed calm and did not fight even after what ever happened.

2) A few months back my MIL started saying with a smiling face that I am having all the fun in my life because I bought a new phone, went to my sisters graduation to a neighbouring country and also got a lot of stuffs from there, I am very lucky. With all I do for them, all I spend for them, I really did not expect a little bit of spending on myself to have to go through this comment. After all I earnt the money.

3) My MIL kept telling me about how much gift a relative took with her when she was married and how her in laws do not need to buy anything(hinting I didnt bring enough with me)

5) Continuously complains about me not having a kid. I have never even listened to my parents when it comes to life decisions( what to study, where to work, whom to get married to), so it irritates me a lot. She told me I should start trying for a son(which she never mentions to her son). Well I was controlling my eating habits and joined a gym to control my weight(the extra weight was initially a bring problem for her), her sister and her came to me and told me that losing weight should not be my priority, I should try to conceive instead. DH and I do not think we are ready yet, financially and have planned to wait 3 more years. It is not only me who is involved in making the baby, i thought that was really disrespectful.

4) When she got nothing to say suddenly one day she started throwing this tantrum that I do not respect her enough. Well, on my part, I think me not replying back when she says all that she says to me is a huge act of respect, and even if it were my parents in her place who said that to me I would have replied back very harshly. She stopped talking to me after this episode.

5) She also picks on things like how I cut my vegetables and how much spice I use, she hides some ingredients when she thinks I am finishing it. Well all people eat the food, so I do not see the point hiding stuffs.

After all this I am still living with them, but recently it took a toll on me, my MIL and FIL had a fight(like they do every week, they shout at each other) about FIL coming to me and complaining about her(he does it for sure, but I keep quiet and just listen). She came to me and said all the problems are because of me(inspite of them fighting all their life). I was really hurt that now she started blaming me for their problems.

I have been feeling suicidal after all this, have talked to DH and he said we will move out as soon as we get some place, but its hard for me to not go insane even until that time.

I fear that I might have to bear and bring up a child in this house. I know problems will worsen, as my ILs think they are experts at everything. I also do not want my child to witness the shouting that goes within them and the bad talk they do about me and I might do about them. Also there are lot of talks going around about who spend how much money on what thing for the house and who owes how much money to whom. I know the talks and blames about money will be even more after a kid.

I feel like trash in the house, my self respect has been crumbled and thrown. I know I might not be right all the time but I also know I can not be wrong all the time. I can not be a person she wants me to be, doing everything to her order, listening to everything she says, taking care of her and her family and asking for permission for everything.

I do not want suggestions for how to deal with it or that I have to move out. I have come to a point where I only think about it and nothing else. I can not turn to my parent or my people and vent it out as I had gone against them for this marriage. It is even effecting my work, I feel like crying all the time. If or if not I move out, I want suggestions about how I can keep my cool, how I can act indifferent to them, how I can forgive them and be normal and family. I do not want to look at my MILs face right now, and confront no one from DH's family. Help me!

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Comments

  1. nowomannocry's Avatar
    My MIL is very much the same but I am not saying that I know how you feel cause everyone feels differently... I too cried at work over how frustrated she made me and it took at least a year to realize this, but I just started acting like the boss and even though afterward I still get really frustrated from time to time. I still hold my head of high, smile to her jokes that aren't even funny, laugh at her openly when I think she is saying something dumb, and make her feel as uncomfortable as she is making you feel. LOL. I don't know if that is necessarily "nice" or ""appropriate", but its the only thing that gets me by. This woman is just threatened cause you are taking away her baby and she wants you to remember who birthed him... But don't let it change anything. I know this isn't much cause I'm at work and dont have a lot of time to write, but be strong!
  2. abs's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by nowomannocry
    My MIL is very much the same but I am not saying that I know how you feel cause everyone feels differently... I too cried at work over how frustrated she made me and it took at least a year to realize this, but I just started acting like the boss and even though afterward I still get really frustrated from time to time. I still hold my head of high, smile to her jokes that aren't even funny, laugh at her openly when I think she is saying something dumb, and make her feel as uncomfortable as she is making you feel. LOL. I don't know if that is necessarily "nice" or ""appropriate", but its the only thing that gets me by. This woman is just threatened cause you are taking away her baby and she wants you to remember who birthed him... But don't let it change anything. I know this isn't much cause I'm at work and dont have a lot of time to write, but be strong!
    Thanks for the suggestion, I hope I will be able to implement your suggestion with time. As of now, i do not talk to anyone in the house except for my husband and his father. One incident that constantly strikes my mind is she asking me to eat the leftovers of previous day because all other people in the house are too good for it, one day, she shouted for all the time I was eating because I did not do so. Every time some one tries to calm me, I think of this incident and get more angry, I mean I would eat it if its good food for everyone, but then people do not feed bad food even to street dogs.

    After I wrote the post, I went to the psychiatrist because I was feeling suicidal, and he said due to this scenario and my relationship with my father I have severe depression. the doc talked with my husband, asked to support me more, or move out temporarily if necessary, we are thinking of options.

    I hope I get as strong as you with time, and learn to deal with it. Appreciate your input.
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