Bullying MIL

MIL planning a 2nd Wedding to include MIL's family (ONLY)

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Hi All - I'm new to these forums and was referred by my sister who has found a lot of comfort from the advice and stories on here.

To sum it up, I'm recently engaged and in the process of putting together our guest list and booking a venue. We are planning to have around 225 guests, and so far we have about 75 friends, 75 from my family and 25 from his family. I asked my fiance for a list of 50 or so more people he would like to add, and when he didn't get around to it due to his busy work schedule, I asked my MIL-to-be if she could provide us with a suggested list.

With that, she responded that she has too big of a family to narrow down and is already planning to have a second wedding celebration at a cheesy local venue with 120+ people from her family. Let's call it "Wedding 2".

I am already excited but stressed about my one big day and DO NOT want to attend a second party with over 100 people who I don't know. All of the guests at Wedding 2 will assume that we intentionally did not invite them to our big, beautiful first wedding and it will seem as though MIL is the hero who was thoughtful enough to include them all at a second party. It will seem to guests that we had a second, cheaper wedding in order to get more wedding "gifts". All that said, we could use their budget for "Wedding 2" for our actual wedding!

I hope this all makes sense. This is just one example of the bully in question.

Thoughts? Am I being whiny and unappreciative and should be grateful for a second wedding, or am I justified in being upset about this?

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  1. pinot_noir's Avatar
    Your fiancé will have to supply the details for people he wants to invite. If he can't make time then he is choosing not to have many guests from his side. Don't go along with the idea of the second wedding celebration as your future MIL is using it as an opportunity to spoil the main event. Second wedding celebrations are really for when people get married abroad with very small wedding parties.

    You'll probably get more responses if you post in the forums. Not many people use the blog section.
  2. fuzzybunny's Avatar
    BulliedBride -- your fiance' needs to tell his M that there will NOT be a second wedding celebration, and that if she refuses to give up the names of potential guest to him by XXX date, there will be no one from his M's side of the family invited to your one-and-only wedding. He MUST stand up to her (no, "Well, you're planning the wedding, BulliedBride, so YOU deal with my mom."), because this is just the first of many 'tests' she will give you as a couple, to see how far into your business she can tunnel.

    Agree with pinot -- you'll get a lot more responses if you post this story on the MILS forums.

    Good luck!
    Updated Oct 14, 2015 at 10:31 AM by fuzzybunny (typo)
  3. The-Mother-In-Law's Avatar
    Speaking as a Mother-In-Law from hell (no Im not, I really am a very nice person) Please let me give you some advice.

    It is your finance's responsibility to give you a list, not his mother. Remember you went to er for help she did not force her opinion on you, to start with. To me she sounds excited at the prospect of helping in some way. It seems that being the in-law is an automatic , negative response to everything both real and imagined.

    Go to his mom together. Explain to her that the wedding day is going to be very long and very tiring and that a second party, though a good idea, is not something you think you have the energy to do. Try suggesting that if she wishes to arrange a party with the family members that unfortunately could not be asked to the wedding and reception if she wishes. Tell her you have true budget issues and a second party just can not be arranged. Suggest it would be a less formal atmosphere and you feel it a better way to fully greet and spend real time with those who you just couldn't have attend the first go around.

    Above all do not let her son off the hook.His responsibility make him live up to it but you have to do it together. Remember he has spent many years not telling Mommy no so your going to have to do this together so the little boy in him does not get shaky knees and you have a second party anyways.

    My Daughter-In-Laws fell in love with our sons partly because of their connection to family. Now it's the thing they take the most delite, yes I said delite, in breaking up and I as a Mother-in-Law just have to take it or the grandkids are held against us, kept from us. What ever is dished out you take and without a word.

    No I am not the wicked witch. I have bent over backwards so far and so often my back is broken. I have been blogged about and tweeted about with the worst photos possible posted. Things taken out of context or just made up does not matter. If we do get to see our one son's family, usually on holidays we can not spend much time with them, we are separated and the kids sent in different directions. My daughter-in-law will be overly forceful with the grandkids to upset us and my mother. Their last 2 children, they have 4, we were not aloud to see until months later and then it was look only but no touching.

    What happened, I have no clue. Both Daughter-in-Laws are very controlling and I'm sorry just a little on the crazy side. What ever the original problem was I have no clue. I do know that you do not wish it to happen to you. It's no way to live your life. The one who has the control just gets meaner and more controlling while the one being controlled just cries allot and stays on edge when they do get to see their son and grandkids.

    If a party is that important to her suggest one after you get back from your honeymoon and are settled in a little. Don't just close the door. Sometimes they are hard to reopen.

    Sorry for rambling. You have feelings and so does she. find a street that goes 2 ways and not just a one way street. One way streets are very hard to turn around on and you have to go around the block to get back to where you needed to be in the first place. Good Luck.
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