Do narcissists know what they're like? Do they know what they do?

Imagine that you go to your favorite restaurant. They serve you food, you eat it, and they tell you that, um, they've been polite this long, but you're really not supposed to be eating the food.

You stare at them, dumbfounded, argue with them, and go away in a huff.

The next time you go to the restaurant, you eat the food, and they complain again.

The next time, you eat it again, and they tell you that you're barred; please don't ever come back.

You're baffled. You can't imagine what you did. What happened? A restaurant exists for the purpose of serving food for you to eat.

These people that you're talking about are baffled. They can't imagine what they did. A relationship exists for the purpose of providing them with people to eat...er, abuse.

You can't imagine what other purpose the restaurant has. You see people in there, apparently happy, doing...something, but you can't quite make it out.

They can't imagine what other purpose a relationship has. They see people together, apparently happy, doing...something, but they can't quite make it out.

You, not being a narcissist, could probably eventually absorb that a restaurant is, contrary to your expectations, a place where food is displayed and you might sniff at it, but the real purpose is to have conversations and watch local mimes juggle. If you decide that you enjoy sniffing the food, having the conversation, and watching the occasional juggling show, you might even return to your favorite restaurant, explain your misunderstanding and how you now understand, apologize, and they'll let you in again. When they let you in, you never pick up a fork, because you now understand the rules and you respect them.

The narcissist will never, ever be able to do this. He doesn't want to understand the rules. When he says, "What did I do?" what he really means is, "How can I make the restaurant/relationship be what I want it to be?"