Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Hybrid View

  1. #1
    regular anon
    Guest

    How to deal with MIL visits - This time WILL be different!

    I'm getting ready for a visit with MIL this week-end. We will be with them for a few days. I have learned so much valuable information from this site, mostly how in the world to respond to her. (I don't want to be discovered so I am not using my log in name, but I have been around off and on for a couple years.) I feel like I will be ready for anything she throws at me this time.

    This is the first time I have not felt nervous and sick (literally) about having to see her. I can't wait to use some of the lines I've learned. I can't wait to never once JADE to her (justify, argue, defend, explain)! I can't wait to let the silence hang in the air when she is rude, or repeat her rude comments back to her and then let the silence hang in the air. I can't wait to practice changing the subject, and being in control of the conversation. When she asks me an obscure question that most people wouldn't know the answer to, I plan to ask her the same exact question. I will repeat what she says to DH or ask DH what she thinks about what weird/rude/inappropriate thing she just spouted out.

    For unwanted advice I will say "Thanks for sharing, or Hmmmmm, or Interesting." When she is shocked/horrified by something we did that's no big deal I will say "Gee, that one really threw you for a loop, huh MIL?" If she brings up the exes, I will say, "Oh no MIL, that's a no-no. Remember, we don't discuss x/y/z anymore."

    When she asks personal questions I will say "That's private." If it's about MORE GRANDKIDS...NOW, I will say, "Wouldn't that be wonderful?" and leave it at that. If it's about someone else I will say, "I guess that one falls under the "none of my business" category, so I don't know.

    I may throw in a few "Pardon me?"s along the way too.

    You ladies are so smart. Thank you for taking the time to share with others what has worked for you. I have a bag full of tricks I can use.

    I made a list of things I can quickly change the subject to, and a list of things I can say in response to her nonsense. I know it sounds silly but I am going in with my weapons this time. Each time it has gotten a little better, but this time I am so happy to be going into it not feeling stressed.

    She called the other day and I answered to get it over with. I wasn't stressed. She was so cheery and chipper and I think she actually thought we were going to have a real, normal MIL/DIL conversation- the kind we used to have when I used to put tons of effort into the relationship. Before she knew it I was saying a pleasant and cheerful, "Bye-bye!" and she was probably wondering what had just happened. I guess that's for me to know.

    One question- what do you say when they criticize others or complain about their circumstances incessantly? It gets really old and I don't want to participate in these negative bash-fests. Or for stories we've heard a thousand times, especially about their kids growing up. Any ideas? Thanks.

  2. #2
    CherryBloom
    Guest

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    Good luck and let us know how it works out. You almost make it sound like fun.

    When they talk about people behind their backs, just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about people behind their backs." You can even shudder delicately and add, "It seems so...so Jr High-ish."

    When they complain, you can say, "I'm sure you'll work it out." Say it over and over cheerfully. It deflats the problem and throws it squarely back into their face. If they continue the complaint, repeat yourself and noticeably allow your attention to drift or get up and go away or rudely interrupt and change the subject.

    "...<drone, drone, drone> so as I was saying the roof man says we have to replace beams too but it's so expensive--"

    "--would you like a glass of water. I'm feeling thirsty." And get up and walk away while before she answers.

    For the old stories, just say in a flat voice, "yah, yah, you've told us this, it's a charming story, BIL falls down the stairs and breaks his leg. Are you thirsty, I need a glass of water."


  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    NY, USA.
    Posts
    11,560

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    or, have you tried the bean dip?

  4. #4
    regular anon
    Guest

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    <<<When they talk about people behind their backs, just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about people behind their backs." You can even shudder delicately and add, "It seems so...so Jr High-ish.">>>

    Love that, especially the last part! Great post.

    One problem with cutting her off when she's talking- she has been known to interrupt me, all the time, and I hate it. Not that I'm trying to "connect" with her or anything. But she'll ask me a question and I'll get 4 words into the answer and she'll interrupt, often changing the subject entirely. It drives me crazy. I guess I should just keep my answers as short as possible. Or I guess I could call her on it.

    MIL: "So where do you buy clothes for your kids in that small town?"

    Me: "Well, all we have is Wal-Mart and 2 oth...

    MIL, butting in: "Have you ever made honey ham? Because every time I make it it seems dry. I guess I'll make it this year because FIL wants it for every holiday, but it just seems like a lot of trouble.... blah blah blah..."

    I suppose I could say, "So anyway, back to your question about clothes..." Or maybe I'll leave the room as soon as she interrupts me and starts talking about something else, then pretend like it never happened. She does stuff like that all the time.

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    .
    Posts
    3,246

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    >>> One problem with cutting her off when she's talking- she has been known to interrupt me, all the time, and I hate it. Not that I'm trying to "connect" with her or anything. But she'll ask me a question and I'll get 4 words into the answer and she'll interrupt, often changing the subject entirely<<<

    When she interrupts, I like the leave the room technique. You didn't realize she was talking to you.

    Other interruption techniques -

    - you canjust keep talking over her about Walmart while she talks about ham, and just go on and on and on about each aisle and every aisle in Walmart.

    - Or completely shut up and not say anything else at all the entire conversation, and when finally prompted for a response say "Oh, You're done speaking? I didn't want to interrupt you."

    - Or immediately apologize as soon as she switches to ham "Oh! I didn't mean to interrupt you!"

  6. #6
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    .
    Posts
    1,613

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    >- Or completely shut up and not say anything else at all the
    >entire conversation, and when finally prompted for a response
    >say "Oh, You're done speaking? I didn't want to interrupt
    >you."

    Oh, I'd love to use this one, but there never IS a prompt for a response. She never even stops to take a breath. x( x(

  7. #7
    regular anon
    Guest

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    How about thumbing through a magazine or book, staring into space, doing a crossword puzzle? She's not trying to have a conversation WITH you, she's just using you as an audience so she can hear herself talk.

    I think it is very rude when people don't let you get a word in edgewise. I don't think they realize just how inconsiderate they are being. I had a friend like this and I honestly felt like I needed a break after 10 or 15 minutes. It was exhausting to be around her. I should have just said, "I think I need a break, I'm going to get something out of the kitchen. Would you like me to bring you anything?" And just go escape for a few minutes. Give them a moment to think that if you need a break, maybe they need to cool it. Don't know if it would work, but at least you'd get a break!

    I realized that I probably won't be able to control MIL's behavior or change her, but at least if I can escape her as much as possible I will be much better off.

  8. #8
    kittymom
    Guest

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    >I think it is very rude when people don't let you get a word
    >in edgewise. I don't think they realize just how
    >inconsiderate they are being. I had a friend like this and I
    >honestly felt like I needed a break after 10 or 15 minutes.
    >It was exhausting to be around her. I should have just said,
    >"I think I need a break, I'm going to get something out
    >of the kitchen. Would you like me to bring you
    >anything?" And just go escape for a few minutes. Give
    >them a moment to think that if you need a break, maybe they
    >need to cool it. Don't know if it would work, but at least
    >you'd get a break!

    My FIL had diarrea of the mouth.
    :P
    The only time his he wasn't talking was when he was sleeping. When I was first around him, I paid attention to him b/c I was brought up that it was rude to ignore someone when they were talking. Then, I realized MIL and DH were both totally ignoring him so I did the same.

    The sad part was FIL either didn't realize or didn't care that everyone in the room was ignoring him. He still kept on - reading the newspaper out loud, doing commentary about programs on TV, etc. Totally dominating every conversation. He was such an azz.

  9. #9
    Registered User sabrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    USA.
    Posts
    343

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    If you weren't still married, I'd swear that you are my (ex) SIL.

    I have your MIL's evil twin!

    Here's my coping techniques:

    Wine- get yourself a glass right away-trust me after the 3rd glass, she'll be funny! Of course, everything will be funny, but it gets me thru the night. NOTE: This only works if you are a happy tipsy person. If you are a sad/angry drunk, this is NOT advised!

    The first thing I do when I walk in the door is ask MIL how she is- I don't have to say another word for an hour. While she's happily talking about all of her ailments, I'm mentally planning my Christmas list, remodeling my house, planning my garden, etc etc etc. and drinking my wine.

    When she starts gossiping and saying negative things about people, the first thing I hit her with is 'My mother always taught me that if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all' Why don't we talk about something positive! Guaranteed CBF each time.

    If she keeps it up, that's when I go over to DH and sit by him for awhile. If you do needlework, crochet, knit, bring it along-all you have to do then is the occasional uh huh, and let her drone on...and on...and on...

    Hope this helps! :-)
    If you tell the truth, you never have to rememeber anything- Mark Twain

  10. #10
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    .
    Posts
    3,246

    RE: This time WILL be different!

    What a cool post. Sums up a How to handle a visit with a difficult MIL in one place! Hall of Fame, hall of fame!

    >>> One question- what do you say when they criticize others or complain about their circumstances incessantly? It gets really old and I don't want to participate in these negative bash-fests.<<<

    Change the subject - to something positive! Or, get up and straighten the kitchen.

    >>> Or for stories we've heard a thousand times, especially about their kids growing up. <<<

    Ooh. That's tricky. When it comes to happy memeories, I think you might have to feign interest and nod. *sigh* Or... if you really can't take the same old stories, go to the bathroom and knock out a chapter or two of those books you hid under the sink.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


The Sister Knot, Apter
The Sister Knot
Why We Fight, Why We're Jealous, and Why We'll Love Each Other No Matter What


Secret Paths: Women in the New Midlife
Secret Paths
Women in the New Midlife


Working Women Don't Have Wives, Dr. Terri Apter Working Women Don't Have Wives
Professional Success in the 1990'S


To See More Books By
Dr. Terri Apter
Click Here.