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    Looking for a Marriage Counselor

    Somebody mentioned in an earlier thread, and I can't remember who or the thread, for which I humbly apologize, that we needed to put together pointers on finding a counselor. If she will point herself out to me, I'll edit in her name and give her full credit. Unless it was a male poster, in which case I'll give him full credit. In any case, since so many of us wind up needing counselors because of our mother-in-laws, I thought I would start with some pointers I have put together, and let people continue from there. This is from an earlier post of mine, though slightly edited and greatly expanded.

    Unless you have no other options, always prescreen your counselor. Find out their professional background. Learn the differences between the different forms of training, eg a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a social worker, etc. Read up a little on the different kinds of therapy, such as talk therapy, behavior modification, etc, and make sure what the counselor offers is what is optimal for your circumstances. Remember, different people have different needs, so the counselor who was perfect for your best friend with her problems, might not be right for you. Make sure you don't get one who believes in families at all costs. If you know anyone dealing with similar problems as for their recommendation. But be careful to make sure it is a similar problem. A counselor who does a wonderful job with, oh, incest survivors might not necessarily do as well with a problem marriage. Don't rule them out, but don't just assume they will be a good fit for you.

    Once you have some names, try Googling them and reading their reviews. If you are starting from scratch search under "marriage counselors", read the reviews and then identify the ones you like the best and

    1. Visit their website and poke around. See what books they recommend. Check out the books they recommend. This can give you a good idea about what their basic philosophy is, and if it is one that you agree with. There is no point wasting time with a counselor with whom you have basic philosophical disagreements.

    2. Call and ask what a typical session consists of, how long it lasts, how much it costs, and what medical insurance they take.

    3. Ask directly if the counselor has a particular philosophy he/she ascribes to and will she/he explain it briefly to you.

    4. Ask if the counselor has ever helped a couple or an individual cut the chord on their family(ies) of origin as in "leave and cleave"? How has it worked out in the past?

    5. Does she/he have any experience working with enmeshed families? What did he/she recommend, and what was the outcome?

    6. Does he/she ever recommend a Cut Off (CO) or a Time Out (TO)? Does she/he think they are ever justified? If so, under what circumstances, and how frequently.

    7. What is their experience in working with adult children of alcoholics and what is their experience working with adults who were abused by their parents. While not every horrid mother-in-law is/was an alcoholic or drug abuser and not all abused their children, a lot did so that is a useful skill. Plus in a lot of cases the tools and techniques used to let adults who grew up in abusive and/or alcoholic and/or drug using households, are the same tools and techniques used to help adults who can't cut the apron strings.

    8. Ask them if they can help you deal with xyz without abc happening, and give them a real example from your situation.

    9. Ask them outright if there is anything in their background which will make them less than objective when working with you.

    Keep notes on all the answers, and then compare the different counselors you talk to, to see which appears, at least on paper, to be the best fit for you.
    Last edited by modlaurel; Jan 25, 2013 at 03:54 PM.
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    If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. - E. B. White

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