Quote Originally Posted by TrailPaint View Post
I could write a War & Peace novel on the Silent Treatment (a form of abuse/bullying....look it up). It was my DH's favorite weapon of choice (in addition to his critical nature). It used to drive me mad also, until I figured out what it really is: just a method to control me and put me back in my place. When you're dealing with this, you can try to filter everything you say, walk on eggshells, etc....none of that will stop his behavior. You need to change your behavior. Tell the truth, be blunt, and then be prepared for the silent treatment. I actually got to enjoy DH's silent treatments....they were a vacation from his critical carp.

How do you deal with the silent treatment?

1. Acknowledgement: Well, first, you need to let him know you know he's giving it to you. "Oh, are you giving me the silent treatment? Would you like to discuss anything like a mature adult? No? Okay. Well, have a nice day." Then, go on with your day as if nothing was wrong. Change plans if you need to, to accommodate any other PA behavior (I.e. today you and him were supposed to go furniture shopping, but he's not going because he's punishing you--go by yourself, or make alternate plans--especially something that you enjoy doing.)

2. PLAN AHEAD. Make plans for the next days or weeks for yourself, depending on how long his ST last. Don't sit around waiting each day to see if he snaps out of it. Even if he does, and wants to do something...."Well, I know we had plans to go to X's house for dinner, but I called and cancelled that because you were giving me the Silent Treatment and I really wasn't in the mood to socialize under those circumstances....I have other plans for that evening."

3. CHECK IN DAILY: Always check in daily to see if you're getting the silent treatment. "Am I still getting the silent treatment today? Oh, Ok. Well, have a nice day." See step number 1 and lather, rinse, repeat.

4. CONSEQUENCES: He's on his own (but so are you). Be prepared to have to complete chores yourself or pay to have anything done that you usually rely on him for--by the same token, do nothing for him. "Oh, you wanted me to do you a favor or run an errand? Gee, I'm sorry. I only do those things for people who actually respect me. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and is very disrespectful to me, your wife. I would be happy to do nice things for you when you treat me with dignity and respect. When you feel mature enough to have a discussion, (and agree to go to couples counseling), let me know and we can work together."

5. BE CONSISTENT: do not waver from this routine. He'll grow bored eventually when it doesn't give him any results...and he gets no satisfaction from upsetting you. I quit letting on that it bothered me...I let my emotions range to mild annoyance as if I were dealing with a petulant 3 year old (basically, you are) and went on cheerfully about my day and my life...and to tell you the truth....I began to enjoy my life and let go of his control over my emotions.

6. PERSONAL GROWTH: Use his STs as a growth opportunity for yourself. I immersed myself in activities that I enjoyed and that fulfilled me: hobbies and projects, pampering myself, visiting friends, spending quality time with my kids...basically anything that made me feel good about myself. DHs like this are a,ways on the outside looking in...it's good for them to see you living and enjoying your life and that their behavior isn't impacting you in a destructive negative way--it removes the value in it.

7. THERAPY: Stay in therapy....get him into therapy with you, if you can. Good luck.
Hall of Fame material, this is. What's especially helpful is how you point out the behavior every single time - you don't pretend it's not happening, which paradoxically seems to give it more power. This is basically the 180, with the important difference that you identify your partner's hurtful behavior and make an explicit connection between it and your subsequent behavior.