Quote Originally Posted by kaybee3 View Post
I posted this earlier, but posted it to the wrong thread! Oops!

3 hours - wow! I guess you got a lot out on the table. Maybe I can try to imagine how the talk went, and you can tell me if I am right:

*You started off talking about the wedding and sleeping arrangements. Told him that you didn't appreciate him changing plans without consulting you. After some defensiveness, he agreed that he shouldn't have done it, and agreed that you would stick to the original plan of a hotel.

*Then you started talking about deeper things - more specifically, his mother. You pointed out some things about her behavior, and he turned this whole conversation into him being the victim. Poor, poor man - he is caught in between his mother and his wife and doesn't know what to doooo! He's in the middle, you see, and he implies that you are the one who put him there. Did he say that his mother had any ownership in this? Maybe, but "that's just the way she is" or "she's always been like that."

He thinks you are supposed to get along. And it's your fault if you don't. What person in their right mind would get along with someone who has said that they hate them and has tried to break up their marriage?

I also agree 100% with what Whoever said: your DH was more than willing to sit down and talk with (i.e. blame) your for this, but I guarantee he hasn't said a word to his mother about it. If, by chance, he has - it was a watered down version. It would be, "Mom, you really should stop doing/saying that, because it upsets my wife" - said to her in a very weak, almost sing-song voice.

What he should be saying is, "Knock it off, Mom. This is my wife you are spreading lies about and I won't put up with it. If you continue to do this, you won't be seeing me again." But he's too scared of Mommy to do that.

One thing that I've noticed works with my DH is facts. After years of arguing and trying to convince him that his mother's words and actions made me FEEL sad and angry, I stopped talking about feelings and just talked about what she had done. Because nobody should be expected to put up with the things she has done.

One day (after 15+ years of marriage) when he was pouting he said to me, "You just don't like my mother!"

I said, "You're right, I don't. And here's why....." And I proceeded to list the things she's done. Present and past. Just the facts. No feelings. After I got through about 10 things, I asked him, "Would you like me to continue?"

Shut him up real quick. He's still not happy with the fact that I don't like his mother - but he has never said that to me again, or questioned why I don't like her.

You are spot on Kaybee. To add more to his story, he said 'you hate my family'. Uhmmm what kind of guilty trip is this, one its not true, just his mother I don't care about, I speak with my FIL whenever I want and my sister in law. The other sister in law is ready to attack me when MIL lifts a finger so I don't care for her, I don't hate her, I stay away, for protecting myself. The one that attacks has a 6 year old, that my DH brings up sometimes, he is 6 years old, I think he is really cute, I play with him when I see him just when it comes to talking about him at my house I don't really know what to talk about. I don't have nieces and nephews and a kid that I have a bond with that I could understand most of the stuff that my DH brings up. I usually say that's great, or really cool but not have input, so my DH says I hate his family cause when he brings his family I don't have anything to say haha okay you got it.
Well, DH doesn't really speak to any of my family, my parents are in another country so okay I get it, my siblings are here, one 15min away and one in another state, but he doesn't go out of his way to hang with them, call and speak to them. Honestly, I don't care myself too how he speaks to them or doesn't, but it was a good point to bring up when all we are speaking about is his family. I said you don't speak to my family, do you hate them too? Right now my mom is sick, did you call her, but its all about your family and the b**crap. I also asked him not to shift and blame me, because his mother is the one who hates me and spread her lies to her people, to the point they look at me funny when I'm around them so please, go tell you mama you hate my wife and leave me alone