Quote Originally Posted by exscapegoat View Post
I don't know if your MIL is a narcissist or not, but she obviously is a difficult and controlling person. What she asked, having you all share a camper before a wedding wasn't reasonable. And she lied to get it.

Your husband has been trained to enable her bad behavior. It may be he has some issues himself. Or it may be he's so used to trying to appease mommy, he doesn't know any better.

And his reaction was unreasonable. First off, you don't change plans that are going to have a huge impact like that without checking with your spouse first and getting agreement. And you don't pressure your spouse to go along with unreasonable behavior. People here have referred to implementing the two yeses rule. Meaning, if one person doesn't want to do it, they don't do it. Where you are staying when you travel and who stays in your home is two yeses territory.

People like your H, my mom is likely a narcissist so I'm somewhat familiar with this dynamic, repeat their childhood behavior which was necessary for survival. Mommy might hurt me or my sibling or my dad if she's angry so I have to go along with what she wants to keep her happy so she won't hurt any one. Problem is, they're never happy and rewarding bad behavior just leads to more bad behavior and they'll keep upping the ante.

But since they're scared of angering the great Mommy monster, they will expect the reasonable person to cave to the unreasonable one. But that just sets a bad precedent and more bad behavior will follow.

A minor child or even a college age child usually has no other choice than to do this for survival. But once an adult is self supporting he or she has other choices. It may take some time for this to settle in. But if they're not willing to make other choices, it's going to be a major obstacle for the marriage and for any close relationship, really.

If you do want to have kids, hold off until you are sure your husband can make other choices. Use at least 2 methods of birth control. If your husband won't or can't change the way he relates to mommy, the marriage may not survive. If you don't have kids, you can choose whether or not you want to see her. If you have children with him, she may get access to them when he has custody. You'll have to deal with her at graduations, weddings, etc.
You bring all my fears in one comment ((( This has been a tough situation for sure. I married into an extremely dysfunctional family and it sucks. DH understand how his M is, he grew up with it and so forth and what not,however, he doesn't want his mother to ever remotely think her son hates her. And I think he has a hard time saying not to her. In this case he said he didn't just want to straight up say no to her. I think he is still in survivor mode and I have no doubt he wants me to be the same. I pray to baby Jesus it will be the last thing I do, I mean even if I try I can only do it for so long. The younger sister in law kinda hinted that I might be getting a birthday gift from MIL when we meet at the wedding. Please will you support me in politely declining it.
Last time she gave me a gift I ended up paying for it emotionally and financially - I don't know why she is nother getting someone she doesn't like a gift???
Also about having kids, yeah I definitely do not want to have them in this situation or ever right now with my DH, the way he handles things with his mommy scares me, even scares me just being in a marriage with him. It's definitely not something I can fix within a day but if things don't improve I might be writing in a different story zone. Wish me luck