Quote Originally Posted by kaybee3 View Post
The process of getting MILs house ready to sell has begun. We should have the TV crew from "Hoarders" over there.

Everything is falling apart, chewed-through and pooped on by mice, and just completely gross. The rug in her dining room reeks of cat pee because when she did live there, the cat peed on the rug and she never bothered to do anything about it. I
Anything that might have been worth something isn't anymore because it was never taken care of. So basically, clean up should be a matter of taking the photos down, saving those and trashing everything else.

When DH and OBIL first started talking about having to clear MILs house out, they agreed that the best course of action would be to call a Junk Removal company and have them just take it all. One and done. SIL and I were both impressed that they were willing to do this. Ha! Should have known better. They rented a dumpster last week, and we all agreed to do a family clean up on Sunday. I don't mind helping out. So DH, OBIL, SIL, me, DS, DD and a friend of ours all converged to clear out and get rid of stuff. We spent all day there and hardly made a little dent. But there is just so. much. stuff.

So later that night, I suggested to DH that he and OBIL call the "junk guys" to come and take all the rest. Nope, can't do that. Why not? It's expensive. Why yes it is, but your mother has the money to pay for it. kaybee, everything needs to be looked through - you don't understaaannnnddddd.

You know what? I don't understand. I don't understand why you are making this 10X harder on yourself when there is no need for it. I don't understand why, now that all of the sentimental stuff is boxed up, you need to paw through old furniture that is crumbling, and dirty, chipped dishes. I don't understand why you are spending every evening down there after work deciding what needs to go when you could just call the junk guys and have it be hauled away. I don't understand at all.

What I do understand is that I will never, ever put my children through this. I told them both this weekend that if I ever get to the point where I am no longer capable of taking care of my home, I want them to come take a few things that they really want, and then call the junk guys to take everything else away. I will set money aside to pay for it so that they won't have to pay for it themselves. But I will NOT allow what their father is going through to happen to them.

I hate MIL even more now for leaving yet another mess for her kids to clean up.
We just moved to the other side of the country, and we went from a two story house to a two bedroom apartment. We were forced to do what your DH is doing right now minus the cat pee, and mice. Well, okay, there was the mouse tar pit incident that happened in a seldom used cabinet. Its a very old house that turns dust into sticky, gritty, oily slime in the oddest places, and it is along a river, which makes it a nice place for mice to congregate in winter and during floods. After the great mouse war of 1998 (28 mice, and one huge river rate lost their lives), DH gave up live traps and escalated to mouse traps and poison. Anyway, it was tough going through everything to decide what to get rid of. I kept asking myself if I wanted to move this piece of paper/object 2,000 miles. As time went on, I was willing to move less and less. I really had to ask myself why I was holding onto each item. It was more difficult than I thought it would be. I used to move every couple of years, and then lived with my parents for five years before moving in with DH. We lived in that house for 20 years. Before moving in with DH, the frequent moves forced me to live lightly.

Even after the purge, we still have two closets filled with totes and boxes, and another stack of boxes of books waiting for bookshelves. DD is living in the old house rent free temporarily, and is taxed with getting rid of the stuff we left behind. There isn't much, but she is complaining about it even though it was part of the deal. I was sick for several months before we moved, and then has surgery a week before we moved, so I didn't do my due diligence and left some things I wish I had not. Lesson learned. I like living lightly, and only plan on purchasing bookshelves, and a desk for me. I don't want to leave my kids with all that crap to go through. I hope that what is left after I am gone is useful to someone or meaningful to either me or them.

There is nothing meaningful in MIL's house, otherwise she would have it with her, and her sons would have taken steps to preserve it. As others have pointed out, it is about the process at this point. They simply cannot do things the easy way, because that would mean they could not milk it for every emotional moment possible. You DH gets his warm fuzzies from being the white night, and this is one huge opportunity to prove to himself that he is exactly that. The lesson here is that this role is much more important than whatever it is he has with you, and more important than spending time with his daughter. You reap what you sow.

You have a lot of building resentment, and your DH cannot hear about it right now. He used to be somewhat open to it, but now he is as much the victim as his mother is in his own mind. This is his identity now. He has become his mother in some troubling ways. I know that part of staying in the marriage is as much about habit, and connections as it is about wanting to be with your DH, perhaps even more than wanting to be with him. When not changing becomes more painful than the status quo, you will leave him. This is just one more straw.