forgiveness/"letting go"

**purple_rain** · Feb 2, 2013, 09:38 PM

Originally Posted by HisHeathenHoney

The suffering I had from that bad relationship has repaid me a hundred times over because I have used my knowledge to quickly extricate myself from bad situations ever since, rather than stay stuck in dead ends. I recognize dysfunction and boundary crossing lightning fast now, and I can name it and get away from it, I don't waste my time trying to "make" someone accept my boundaries. I decline activities I want to decline. I hang up on telemarketers without bothering to explain myself. I let friendships go if they are not real friendships. And I appreciate the sanity and integrity of my true friends much more. In the end, my life has LESS suffering and MORE contentment and happiness because I learned from the bad things that happened. So it's okay that it happened. And that's why I can let it go.

true. and it has a chain effect. my DH learnt to tell his haloed parents "no". imagine that. 'cos i did and the sky didn't fall over. i will never forget the stunned silence on the other end of the phone when my MIL demanded that DH apply for green cards for her and FIL and DH said "no way". i could see the CBF thousands of miles away.

**purple_rain** · Feb 2, 2013, 09:40 PM

Originally Posted by wearywarrior

My MIl does not go to bed in angst over comments she made intentionally . Why should I or you . One of the ladies called it giving them free rent in your head and that resonated with me. Time again when you wonder why you went through all this rottenness realize you have grown in wisdom and that was a benefit to us who are struggling too.

physical distance does help, though. if i remember correctly, you live next door to your ILs, hard to get them out of your mind and lives when they are literally breathing down your necks. ((hugs))

**purple_rain** · Feb 2, 2013, 09:46 PM

Originally Posted by ThisWasMyLife

As long as he's willing to ignore the elephant in the room (and allow the abuse of ME, his WIFE, to continue) then I can't let go and get that closure that I deserve.

maybe you should hang out with someone he hates? once, many years ago, when my DH suggested that i buy a plane ticket for myself and his mother to accompany her somewhere without him around, i asked him if he would like to sponsor and go on a trip with a mean co-worker of his who everyone at work hated. he was shocked by the analogy 'cos he didn't realise someone could dislike his haloed mommy though he himself didn't like her very much. 'cos in his heart he knew she was not really nice, but felt guilty even thinking about it.

**purple_rain** · Feb 2, 2013, 09:47 PM

Originally Posted by couldbeworse

Part of the problem is that most of us are NICE PEOPLE and we don't recognize the abuse for what it is for years. And by the time we realize it's not accidental, they did mean that, they know what they're doing, they aren't going to stop, they aren't nice people, and they don't care that they hurt us, that they enjoy hurting us, and our husband's are just standing there watching it like a football game on TV and it's not HIS team so he won't even yell about it --- well we've lost some part of ourselves.

And then we have to build ourselves back up because we've been subtly or overtly abused for years. By the time we DO something we are angry with ourselves for having put up with it for so long. And the normal people in our lives just don't understand. So you can't even talk about it honestly and openly.

So forgiving ourselves and letting go is hard. Because in so many cases we had to work so stinking hard to say - That's not right and I'm not going to put up with it any more.

and when you do say it, everyone accuses you for being rude, mean and/or crazy.

**ThisWasMyLife** · Feb 3, 2013, 12:31 AM

Originally Posted by purple_rain

maybe you should hang out with someone he hates? once, many years ago, when my DH suggested that i buy a plane ticket for myself and his mother to accompany her somewhere without him around, i asked him if he would like to sponsor and go on a trip with a mean co-worker of his who everyone at work hated. he was shocked by the analogy 'cos he didn't realise someone could dislike his haloed mommy though he himself didn't like her very much. 'cos in his heart he knew she was not really nice, but felt guilty even thinking about it.

At this point I don't think he'd care if I hung out with his sworn enemies. Just one more way for him to play the martyr/victim act...just like his mother does. Poor wittle DuH, his mean ol' wifey hangs out wiff hims enemieeeeessss!