Being a better person - what our MILs have taught us.

**Cura2** · Jul 9, 2014, 01:34 PM

I have been reflecting lately about all the chaos and misery I have let mil cause in my life and marriage. I have learned what kind of person I don't want to be or become as I get older. I have learned some valuable lessons from my mil and from reading about all the mil's on this board.

What I have learned that will hopefully make my life better and me a better person:

** The most important thing I have learned is that I can't change other people. I can only change my reaction to them. Most people don't change

I have learned to detach from hateful people and situations.

Playing favorites is never a good thing for anyone not even the favorite one.

Open family vs. Closed family- When someone in my family thinks enough of someone else to marry them or introduce them to the family I will treat them like family. No family is so much better that others can't enter it. All people are treated equally, blood related or not.

Everyone has been give a life to do with it as they choose. It's none of my business what someone else does or how they live. Live and let live. My way is not always the best way.

Enmeshment- not good for a family, friends or a marriage.

Respect - whether I like someone or not I will always try to treat them with respect.

Gossip- What someone tells me I will keep to myself.

Don't marry a momma's boy.

Religion- just because a it's a pray wrapped in bigotry ... it's still bigotry and the prayer has nothing to do with it. Your actions make you a Christian. If you have bad behavior your are STILL a bad person whether you pray about it or not...especially when there is no change.

Be direct- Passive aggressive behavior destroys relationships. Smiling through anger and then blowing up later is poor personal behavior management. (then my mil turns around and blames me for not being forgiving for the 100th time)

Apologize- If what I say has hurt someone I will apologize. I will not blame shift and consider that some kind of an apology. Even if I don't feel I did anything wrong but someone is hurt by my actions I will apologize. An apology is uplifting. I will admit when I'm wrong.

I have learned a lot from my mil about who and what not to be...and from other mil's on this board.

What have you learned?

**Acorn** · Jul 9, 2014, 02:48 PM

With my MIL's death, I've been reflecting on this too. As we looked through old photos to make a DVD for the service, I was struck by how happy MIL looked when she was younger. She reveled in her role as Mother and I'm sure that's a big part of why she had so many children (more than 5; less than 10--being vague for privacy reasons). The children are spaced over about 20 years, and there's at least one that I'm certain she had because the youngest had grown up some and away from Mommy. But, of course, you can't do that indefinitely.

Once the kids grew up and moved on with their lives (every single one moved away from Hometown, though MIL had fantasies that they'd all move back one day), I don't think she knew what to do with herself. She had no idea how to be anything other than THE MOTHER. She had limited outside interests, and for a number of reasons, thought of herself as not very intelligent. She didn't pay much attention to current events or read anything other than Christian books, much less even try to keep up with any technology.

So I've learned that I have to be more than just a mom. My role as mother is very important, of course, but that role changes over time and we have to adapt to that or we'll become bitter, angry martyrs!

Acorn

PS. My MIL did the whole "Christian" nonsense too, and maybe she lived it for other people, but not so much with me, and I heard all about how I needed to "forgive" over the years. I eventually let go of all the pain and anger, realizing it was never about me, but I also detached and kept only a superficial relationship with her. Dh, thankfully, realized that his "difficult" mother and his high-spirited wife were not a good mix and didn't push me too much.

**caranfin** · Jul 9, 2014, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by Acorn

PS. My MIL did the whole "Christian" nonsense too, and maybe she lived it for other people, but not so much with me, and I heard all about how I needed to "forgive" over the years.

"Oh, I have forgiven you/her. Don't worry about my soul. Worry about your own." ;-)

**dreamangel** · Jul 9, 2014, 09:12 PM

The lesson of ‘what not to do’ I’ve learned from both my M and MIL.

Yes, I’m a Christian, but have never claimed to be perfect. If I were perfect, I wouldn’t need Jesus. I consider myself a ‘work in progress’. He teaches/humbles me everyday. Churches are simply hospitals for sick souls. I don’t judge those who aren’t nor do I push what I believe unto others. All I ask in return is not to be judged because I am.

To accept the life choices my sons have made whether I agree with them or not. I did my job as a parent; it’s now my job to be there for guidance, moral support, and advice but ONLY when asked for it.

I don’t interrogate them; they tell me what they want me to know. Regardless of who/what it pertains to, I keep it between us….. gossip does not build up a family; it tears it down.

I don’t play favorites!!!! Never have, never will. It fills those involved with resentment

I don’t say/do things to try to make them feel guilty for not making me a priority. I’m not supposed to be.

I don’t treat them like children and berate them when they don’t do what I say or expect. They’re grown men for crying out loud.

I don’t constantly compare my sons to their brothers by calling them to brag about what the others are doing/spending. I praise them for who they are individually. If they want their brothers (or others) to know, they’ll tell them.

I accept who they’ve chosen to spend their lives with. For us, this one’s not hard as we have great DILs. MY motto : If I don’t have a relationship with my DIL, then I won’t have one with my son either. That’s the way it’s supposed to be!!!!!

I take responsibility for my actions, and like the OP, I apologize if/when I’ve hurt someone.

Forgiveness has been thrown in our faces several times by MIL. What some don’t understand is that forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. It is for the victim; it enables them to process the hurt and go on. True forgiveness is a multi-step process: 1) Confession/Sincere Apology: you have to admit/take responsibility for your actions; 2) Repentance: turn away from/stop the behavior; 3) Forgiveness may be/ is granted. Reconciliation is almost impossible without step 1 and 2. We will never see step 1 and 2 with M and MIL. They’re too busy defending/justifying their actions.
One of my favorite sayings on this subject:

Forgiveness: The willingness to live with the consequences of another’s sin - Dr. Linda Williams

**purple_rain** · Jul 9, 2014, 10:43 PM

Originally Posted by Acorn

With my MIL's death, I've been reflecting on this too. As we looked through old photos to make a DVD for the service, I was struck by how happy MIL looked when she was younger. She reveled in her role as Mother and I'm sure that's a big part of why she had so many children (more than 5; less than 10--being vague for privacy reasons). The children are spaced over about 20 years, and there's at least one that I'm certain she had because the youngest had grown up some and away from Mommy. But, of course, you can't do that indefinitely.

Once the kids grew up and moved on with their lives (every single one moved away from Hometown, though MIL had fantasies that they'd all move back one day), I don't think she knew what to do with herself. She had no idea how to be anything other than THE MOTHER. She had limited outside interests, and for a number of reasons, thought of herself as not very intelligent. She didn't pay much attention to current events or read anything other than Christian books, much less even try to keep up with any technology.

So I've learned that I have to be more than just a mom. My role as mother is very important, of course, but that role changes over time and we have to adapt to that or we'll become bitter, angry martyrs!

Acorn

PS. My MIL did the whole "Christian" nonsense too, and maybe she lived it for other people, but not so much with me, and I heard all about how I needed to "forgive" over the years. I eventually let go of all the pain and anger, realizing it was never about me, but I also detached and kept only a superficial relationship with her. Dh, thankfully, realized that his "difficult" mother and his high-spirited wife were not a good mix and didn't push me too much.

holy cow! do we have the same bitter, angry martyr MIL who claims she is "not very intelligent" when it suits her, but wants to run and control her adult children's lives?

i guess not, 'cos mine is still alive.

**TexasDawn** · Jul 9, 2014, 10:48 PM

I try very hard to "taste" my words before they come out of my mouth, and consider what affect they may have on those to whom I am speaking.

-Dawn

**Pamme64** · Jul 10, 2014, 09:27 AM

The most valuable thing I have learned from my M, MIL and xMIL is that no one else is responsible for my emotional well-being.

**LittleMissStuffit** · Jul 10, 2014, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by Cura2

Religion- just because a it's a pray wrapped in bigotry ... it's still bigotry and the prayer has nothing to do with it. Your actions make you a Christian. If you have bad behavior your are STILL a bad person whether you pray about it or not...especially when there is no change.

It really irritates me when people try to use religion to cover up their bad behavior because it gives religion a bad name and many people perceive it as "hypocritical." A lot of people don't understand that it's not the religion that is bad...it's the person. Just because that person goes around spewing, "I'm a (religion)," doesn't make the religion bad. Anybody can claim they're anything. That's why I feel bad for Muslims. So many people think it's a bad religion that promotes hate, terrorism and killings, all because some crazies have claimed they've killed in the name of their religion. So not true. The Muslim religion is a peaceful one but those terrorists have given it a bad name for many people.

A friend's FIL claims to be very Christian but he's nothing but a crook. He has avoided jail for so many years but I wish they'd just throw him in. He's cheated on his taxes, refused to pay taxes, scammed thousands of people out of money with a phony business, etc. But if he's confronted, he just says, "Jesus forgives!" One day he'll have to meet his maker and you can't lie to Him.

**caranfin** · Jul 10, 2014, 12:30 PM

Originally Posted by LittleMissStuffit

It really irritates me when people try to use religion to cover up their bad behavior because it gives religion a bad name and many people perceive it as "hypocritical." A lot of people don't understand that it's not the religion that is bad...it's the person. Just because that person goes around spewing, "I'm a (religion)," doesn't make the religion bad. Anybody can claim they're anything. That's why I feel bad for Muslims. So many people think it's a bad religion that promotes hate, terrorism and killings, all because some crazies have claimed they've killed in the name of their religion. So not true. The Muslim religion is a peaceful one but those terrorists have given it a bad name for many people.

Yeah, when I hear people saying all Muslims are terrorists, I want to ask them about the horrible things done in the name of Christianity, and ask if that means all Christians are terrorists.

A friend's FIL claims to be very Christian but he's nothing but a crook. He has avoided jail for so many years but I wish they'd just throw him in. He's cheated on his taxes, refused to pay taxes, scammed thousands of people out of money with a phony business, etc. But if he's confronted, he just says, "Jesus forgives!" One day he'll have to meet his maker and you can't lie to Him.

You should feel free to punch him in the face. Jesus will forgive you.

**Whoever** · Jul 10, 2014, 02:57 PM

Originally Posted by LittleMissStuffit

A friend's FIL claims to be very Christian but he's nothing but a crook. He has avoided jail for so many years but I wish they'd just throw him in. He's cheated on his taxes, refused to pay taxes, scammed thousands of people out of money with a phony business, etc. But if he's confronted, he just says, "Jesus forgives!" One day he'll have to meet his maker and you can't lie to Him.

But Jesus had requirements for someone to be forgiven, repentance, changing their ways, atonement. These people who spout "Jesus forgives" need to be reminded of that.

Whoever